The Longest Five Years (Completed)

Reagan, cont.

Five Years Ago

'You look at me and say I'm rising from the ashes, but all I see is smoke...'

I take a deep breath and walk forward. I'm a magnet to this scene. The music, the lights, the lightheaded feeling I get from letting go for awhile. I take a deep breath and let the music float through me. I'm so close to the stage it vibrates through my system. I breathe it in.

The man on the stage is tall, his voice haunting and gorgeous. Deep. Rich. Intoxicating. I could listen to it forever and never grow sick of it. He holds the mic like it's his lover; he croons into it like it loves him back. I envy his confidence, his stage presence.

'You tell me we were made for this, but then you turn and go...'

It's after 10 pm, but it's still miserable; the July air thick and humid. I came here alone after a long conversation with Luke, and I can't help but feel slightly guilty for needing this time for myself. I've barely done anything without him since we got married, and the weight of it, along with the fear of what's growing inside me, threatens to swallow me whole. I love Luke more than I thought possible, but I can't lose myself to this. I need air. Music is my air.

I close my eyes and relive it.

I'm sitting on the dock just outside our cabin, my bare feet dangling into the lake. It's sweltering, the July sun beating down on my shoulders as I strum my guitar. I feel the vibrations through my entire body, the tears rising in my eyes as I softly sing.

I feel him behind me. Listening. And when my soft song ends, he sits beside me, plopping his feet in the water next to mine. His fingers link with mine and my diamond scrapes his warm skin. My breath comes out as a shudder. He presses a kiss to the top of my bare shoulder as I turn and set my guitar down behind us.

"Are you unhappy, Reagan?" he asks me softly. The tears I worked to keep behind my sunglasses betray me, sliding down my cheeks. Am I?

I admit it. I've been quiet for a few days.

Since I found out I'm pregnant, I can't find the words. I can't tell him.

Maybe someday it will be okay. Maybe someday I'll be happy with this news. But not today. 

I'm pulling away from him – not intentionally...but because it hurts. My heart hurts. My decisions hurt.

"Not unhappy," I tell him. "Not unhappy with you," I clarify and flip my long hair over my shoulder. The sun is bright and his big blue eyes scan over me sadly. He knows something is wrong. I should tell him. I should just come out with it already, but I don't. I can't. No matter what I say, it will disappoint him. It's selfish and unfair to keep this to myself, but I'm not ready. This isn't the moment. I'm still unsure.

"Tell me what to do..." he pleads, resting his chin on my shoulder. He's so close I can barely see him, but the stubble on his cheeks is coarse and wonderful against my sun-kissed skin. "Tell me what you want. If it's school...we'll work this out. I love you and I would never take that away from you..."

"It's not," I shake my head with certainty. "I want this. Us," I tell him honestly, but I'm desperately afraid that we're on the verge of destruction, no matter what I choose. "But I'm overwhelmed. I think I'd like to do something for myself once in awhile. There's this thing tonight – an open mic night sort of thing at Andy's. I was thinking it would be fun to go. Maybe see if I can get on stage for a song or something..."

"Sure. I'd love to go with you," he smiles and it breaks my heart. How can I tell him he's suffocating me? How can I tell him I can barely breathe?