My Best Friend's Brother

Chapter Twenty-Five

So... There are these times when my mind likes to remind me how worthless and insignificant I am. This... Is one of those times. It is usually brought upon by someone saying something unkind to or about me and it makes me question who I am or if I'm good enough. Odds are, I have some kind of unstable emotional disorder but I don't want to worry any one by suggesting I might have it. And then my grandparents would wonder why, I don't want them to know my problems. They wouldn't understand.

My grandparents are the type of people who are really quick to judge. Make one slip up and they are immediately like: "Sinner!". They are very religious people and I hardly get a glimpse of freedom. That's why I enjoy school and like being away so much. Not to mention my grandfather is the preacher or pastor or whatever you want to call him. So I'm supposed to live up to everyone's expectations of being the perfect child who does nothing wrong. But I'm not. And the church folk see me as a rebel and a large amount of them talk about me behind my back. Including my grandmother.

If something goes wrong at home, like if I mess up, the next day, the entire church knows about it. There was one time that my mom dyed the ends of my hair blue and black for my birthday (sin), and my grandparents were furious. They made so many comments about it and brought me down so much that I had wished I'd never been born. But I told Aura that, who ask her mom for advice, who then told my mom how depressed I was. My mom called my grandparents and yelled at them, telling them that if they had a problem with this, they could take it up with her and leave me alone. When my grandparents found out I had told me friend, they made me hand over my phone, the way I made contact with Aura. They found nothing. I wiped it. This made them even more upset. Especially when, in a panic, before I handed over my phone, I told Aura to tell her mom to call my mother to pick me up, NOW.

Aura, in a panic, told her mother and my mom texted my grandmother and told her she was coming to get me. My grandmother wanted to know why. When I wouldn't tell her, she forced me to call my mom and tell her to turn around. I had to be so careful with what I said, due to her leering over me. After this incident, they took my phone and gave me NO privacy. Each day, I dreaded going home, in fear of them.

Not much earlier than that, there was a time when my grandmother went through my desk drawers and found my writing and sketch books. She confiscated them for being "inappropriate" because of blood, death and kissing, then she threw them away. I had been working for about two continuos years on that project.

Most of my depression however, came from the fear of loss. Over the span of a year, several things happened. One of my best friends, Hannah VanHoose, Brandon's cousin, stopped hanging out with us and refused to talk to us because we told her her boyfriend was cheating on her. And he was. She just didn't want to accept the truth. It didn't help that the group she started spending time with hated us. A "popular group", with a girl named Lakin Stapleton at the lead. Lakin told Hannah loads of lies about how we called her foul things behind her back.

After this event, my boyfriend, who I cared for very much, Channing Sawyer, moved several hours away to live with his mom. I didn't realize until later that he wasn't as great as I set him up to be. He was a liar and really didn't think about other people's feeling before making a decision. But he was also my first kiss so I guess I just didn't want to lose him. Though I now regret it. I wished I had saved it for someone who meant more to me.

Not long after, my mom's boyfriend left her. They had been an on and off thing for about four years. I expected him to come back but he never did. We were really close friends. Strangely closer in age than he and my mother so we related more. Both he and I had an obsession with Pokémon and video games and we both had a side of immaturity. At my mom's house, we had several animals, three cats and three ferrets. Tom -his name- and I would always pick on the one of the cats. A fat calico named Violet who weighed almost twenty pounds. We'd poke her stomach when she slept and would watch it jiggle.

When Tom left, my mother's income was lower and she was evicted from her home. We weren't able to take anything with us because we had no place for it. The house still sits there to this day. To the best of my knowledge at least. Our land lord was a complete butt though. Each month he would raise the prices of mom's rent by a little bit and made himself seem like the good guy. He even told my mom she didn't have to pay rent for the first three months. But then, when he evicted us, he laughed at me as I cried, wanting to go home. On top of that, he stole our lawn mower and took down our shed, selling all the personal things inside. Like the ornaments I made for my mom as a child.

And as a final thing of that treacherous year, when I got back from camp, I found that my neighbor and best friend, almost a sister to me, had left. Her mother and step dad got a divorce and they were forced to leave their home. I suppose you can now see my paranoia of losing things. This is why I have trouble getting close to people. Because I get attached. And then they leave.

I shifted my legs on the cold bathroom floor. My right leg had started to turn red from having my legs crossed. When I sniffled, it seemed to echo in the small space. The back of my hand was damp from wiping at tears for the past hour. It was almost one in the morning. But after hearing all the things John said about me, I just couldn't fall asleep. Honestly, I had started to believe his remarks. Maybe I really was worthless. Maybe I really didn't deserve to live. Maybe I should help everyone out get myself out of the picture.

Just as my emotions started to take over, and tears swelled, at the brink of pouring over, a small ding startled me out of my emotional trance. The sound had come from my iPod. Sitting on the carpet next to me. "New Message from: Michael Chin", popped up on the screen. I slid it closer to me to read it. Suddenly, my bad feelings were swept away. Exchanged with feelings of elation.

Don't do it. Someone cares.

"I love you" It said.