Lost Secrets (BWWM)

Chapter Ten

I never imagined it would be this difficult to co-exist with someone I've slept with. Granted, I've never done it before but I didn't think it would be this hard – at least not for Warin and I. We connected so well before and now it's like we don't know how to behave around each other if we aren't in the throes of passion. It's not that the vibe is awkward because we've had sex, it's awkward because of the ideals that usually come along with having sex with someone. Neither of us are prepared to deal with that type of responsibility but neither of us knows if the other is expecting it. Warin and I are birds of a feather in that sense, we don't stick around for the cuddles and kumbaya afterwards. We get in, get what we came for, and get gone – that's the rule. Now, however, that's impossible to do.

We've had sex constantly since the first time and each time is as mind boggling and fantastic as the last. Although I can feel more of a connection between us, we remain 'professionals' about it. Ultimately, we have our fun then get back to our shįt. Once we're out of the bed or off of the floor or the counter top, or the...the point is once it's done it's done. The only thing that could make it more of a business transaction is if we shook hands afterwards.

We know this is a means to an end. That's not to say that we aren't attracted to one another, because that would be a lie, it's just to say that we're used to getting sex on the regular and since we're trapped to the confines of Cynwulf until we can face Marion we have to make do. It's an unspoken agreement - this is what we do to get by.

I have to say, we're more focused now than ever. It's like our energies were out of alignment and now they're perfect for peak performance. We've been training consistently and Warin's skills are becoming something to be reckoned with. He's a fast learner and things that I think will take him longer to grasp, he naturally has a handle on. His powers are strong, much stronger than mine at this stage, and he controls them well. Since he's so even-tempered, he rarely gets frustrated with himself if he can't do something. Anytime he fails, he brushes it off and gets right back to it - determined to get it right.

Our training sessions vary. Sometimes we can go all day but other times we have to quit after a few hours, that's typically how we know it's time to indulge in each other again. It's all very clinical when you think about it, but it feels off.

The playfulness that was once between us isn't anymore, which makes me question if it was real or if it was just sexual tension in disguise. We keep our conversations and interactions outside of sex to a minimum. If we aren't teaching or learning new magic from one another we've got our noses in some of the old books my parents left behind – you can feel the disconnect. However, since the sex is so good, I refuse to blame it for our newfound lack of communication. Instead, I place the blame on the ever-present possibility of unwanted subconscious interaction.

Since the first time we slept together I've had to keep an eagle eye on my thoughts. I have a sneaking suspicion that we completed our bond that night, and as such, it seems Warin can tune in and out of my thoughts like a radio station. I don't even think he means to do it. It usually only happens in times of stress or fear but sometimes it seems like our brains just connect, like some sort of supernatural Bluetooth. One minute I'm in my head and the next I'm in his. It seems during these times, and only these, I can get a peek behind the forest that blocks his mind from me. He has very scattered thoughts, almost as if they're evading each other. It's like they don't want to connect for fear of the picture they may form. The idea of that scares and saddens me for him.

We've gotten very good at clamping down and shutting the other out in the past few days which tells me we're both still hiding things. I hate that my conscience is telling me I'm wrong for keeping things to myself. I'm unsure of if it's my conscience or the bond but either way its driving me nuts. I feel this unstoppable pull to him now, like I have to nurture him and care for his feelings and well-being. It feels so natural to care, it's scary.