Lost Secrets (BWWM)

Chapter Eighteen

*THIS IS A TRIGGER WARNING!!! There are mentions of self-harm, suicidal thoughts/impulses/attempts, and depression in this chapter. I will warn you when it starts and when it's over so PLEASE don't read that part if you will be upset*

Warin

"Deceit gets you nowhere."

I remember my mother saying that to me over and over throughout my youth. Between my parents she wasn't usually the disciplinarian, so when she did intervene I knew to take her seriously. Her disappointment and eerie calmness shook me worse than any yelling my father ever did. No amount of punishment could measure up to that look of displeasure in her eyes, it was the thing I feared the most.

However, on days like this, when I miss my parents the way I do, I wish I could see that look or hear my father yell at me again - anything as long as they were really here with me. I want more than anything to see them again, especially knowing now that they had magical abilities. There's so much I wish they could've taught me and the questions I have are endless.

I try not to think about them as much as I used to but sometimes it's difficult. It's hard to hear Andrea speak so fondly of her parents and not feel the urge to talk about my own. However, Dre doesn't have the same problem as I do. She doesn't wallow in her pain the way I will. The guilt won't consume her and flood her veins like heroin pushing her in waves to unreachable highs and unspeakable lows. The high diving into the past gives me isn't the same as what it gives her. In that space, I live off of my memories, everything else ceases to exist. I forget about absolutely everything else, neglecting myself and others for a life that was and can never be again. I can't go back to that place. I've come so far from the space where I let my thoughts consume me and I know if I open that pandora's box there very well may be no closing it this time.

"What are you thinking?" Andrea asks, looking up at me from her seat on the ground.

The floor of Mr. Bishop's shop is littered with papers and turned over boxes, making me cringe. We've really messed this place up in our haste to gather everything we need for the banishing spell. The store was cluttered, yet everything had its place. Now, it looks like a tornado whipped through it.

"I'm thinking we need to clean this place up and then take a break. I want to do something fun tonight," I suggest, leaving my previous thoughts behind - they serve no purpose here, at least not right now.

"Do you want to go out somewhere?" She replies, a hint of trepidation in her voice. She's hated going out lately. She keeps saying something doesn't feel right but I haven't felt any disturbances.

I shake my head before I answer and see the tension leave her forehead. "I was thinking of doing something at home. Maybe something a little special...like a date." I hear the question in my tone and feel my heart flutter at the thought but ignore them both.

She looks to be thinking it over and it's the cutest face I think she's ever made. Her mouth is pinched to one side as she taps her chin in thought, her beautiful brown eyes cast down and narrowed in concentration.

"Alright," she agrees, and I'll be damned if relief didn't flood me at the word. "You go ahead back to the house and get started on dinner or whatever and I'll finish up here. Maybe I can clean up a bit before I come home."

"Are you sure?" I ask, looking around at the mess we made, "This is a pretty big place. We can just clean together before I leave."

Shaking her head, she answers, "Nope, you say tonight will be special and I don't want to be skimped. Besides one measly spell will have this place as good as new in no time, go ahead and go."