Breathe Me | Jikook

2

The night was restless. Jungkook spent most of it curled into a ball facing the window, looking out at the cloudy night time sky. At one time he used to think that skies like this represented him well—scattered stars, grey clouds, a dark backdrop. But now... Now he thought there were too many stars and not enough clouds for it to accurately represent who he had become.

Jungkook took a deep breath as he closed his eyes. He didn't know what time it was, but he knew it was late. Too late. Even if he were to fall asleep right away (which was highly unlikely) he would only get about three hours of sleep, and even then it would likely be unsatisfying.

Truth be told, every night wasn't this bad. Most of the time he tossed and turned for a couple of hours, or maybe got woken up by a bad dream—a nightmare. He knew why he couldn't sleep tonight, he knew that the thoughts that were racing through his head wouldn't stop until he convinced his parents that he was perfectly okay and didn't need a therapist.

Weak, pathetic. Control your emotions, Jungkook. Control them.

But he never could. And each day he woke up, skipped breakfast, suffered through school by hiding in bathrooms, then came home and listened to his parents complain about him, about how he went from an amazing artist and an outgoing friend to this shell of a person.

Jungkook squeezed his eyes tighter to fight the burning. He could convince them. He didn't need help. He didn't need anything but himself. He could fix it. All he needed was to work through it, and to get better each day. It would work.

It had to work.

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Jungkook didn't sleep that night.  He spent it trying to come up with a plan to make things better, to make himself appear better, so that his mom might cancel the therapist appointment that was a mere five days away. Step one was smile more.

But as he sat at his desk at school, he felt like his classmates were staring at him. He was making such an effort to appear bright, happy like them, but he felt like he was just calling attention to himself, like their gazes were burning a hole into the back of his head.

Not to mention the sound of the teacher droning on and on and on was a lullaby of sorts, and his eyes were slowly drifting shut. Trying to chase away shadows while falling asleep wasn't the easiest thing to do, but he fought to keep himself awake. Falling asleep would only bring more attention to himself and that was one thing he wanted to avoid.

At lunch, it was much of the same thing. Taheyung was sitting across from him, tray of food in front of him. He was currently about to shove two carrots up his nose, for humor affect, Jungkook guessed. But Taehyung kept casting worried glances in his direction as Jungkook pushed the food around his tray with a disinterested and hollow look.

Lunches were often just the two of them at a table by themselves. The one time someone tried to join them, either Taehyung had scared them away or they got bored by the lack of conversation. Taheyung wasn't a quiet person, but when he was studying something the look in his eyes changed and his words slowed down. And he was often studying Jungkook, searching his face, his eyes, worry painting his features. Taehyung wasn't as dense as a lot of people thought.

Jungkook was just so tired. He felt so heavy. When he first saw Taehyung and tried to smile, it was like there were weights on his cheeks. It was so much of an effort that he was sure it turned out like a grimace.

Jungkook forced a spoonful of food into his mouth and slowly chewed.

"Are you okay?" Taehyung asked, carrots on his plate where they belong, not up his nose, thankfully. Jungkook, rather than shrugging like he did every other time this question was asked, looked up, and attempted another smile.