Love and Remember

•How Confessions Work•

"Wake up, Joanna!" I hear Jenny's voice echo through my ears.

I groan in response, "WHY!?" Then I remembered and smiled like an idiot.

"It's finally time to go to the gym, Joanna!" Paola says as we smile in excitement at our last subject. It was PE&H, which stands for Physical Education and Health by the way. We went to the bathroom immediately to change into our PE uniforms. As we change, they keep complimenting my legs and how skinny they are. I blush and say thanks then throw them some praises too. We laugh as we finish putting on our shoes, pick up our things, then run as fast as we could to the gym.

As I run quickly, I see him walking near. A memory starts once again.

I'm so sick of this feeling. Weeks pass by, I confide with my friends, listening for advice as just thinking about alone is making me crazy. What am I really to him? Am I worth anything at all? What does he think of me? Is he even worth it? Is this not enough? Why him? This doesn't make any sense... It's confusing, I know.

I stare on my phone screen, watching the conversation of a group chat I'm in is going. Out of boredom do I look through people who are online. As usual, I see him with that green light. I press on his name and try to type something. But, I have nothing to say, really.

Maybe...

Me: ...
i have something to say
something important

No response. Silently, I panic inside of me as the thoughts and questions once flood my brain. What did I do? Why am I so stupid? Do I love him? An hour has passed.

Him: What is it boss

I stared at his message and taught up of something to say. But, I can't bring myself to do it. Gosh, I should just give up. Should I prank him again? Should I tell him the truth? That I like him? That I love him? That I would do anything for him? Should I tell him how much I am hurting right now? After numerous typing attempts, I logged out. Maybe he won't mind it at all.

But the day after that, I received another message.

Him: What's so important boss

Why did I have to send him that... I hate myself so much! I, I can't escape this. Finally, I decided to reply. I typed slowly.

Me: Will you listen to what I have to say?

His reply was instantaneous, almost automatically.

Him: Yes of course
So what is it boss

Nope. Turn back now. Turn back.

Me: Whatever I have to say, will you not get shocked or angry?

Oh my God. What am I doing? I'm so scared. My anxiety is growing fast, but my conscience keeps going.

Him: Yes don't worry boss I'm calm

Should I tell him? Or should I back out? Once again, my conscience is in control.

Me: Never mind. I don't think you should know after all...

He'll stop, maybe. But I get another message.

Him: Why I won't get angry ah boss

Fine. I'm strong, okay? Joanna Marie Tomlinson is a strong girl who can control her emotions and go through this very simple conversation with ease. But then, what am I going to say now? Shyly at a slow pace, I move my fingers through the keyboard,

Me: Ok then, boss.
Why boss? What does that boss mean? Is that boss have any meaning or value?

Silence for an hour is what I get. I told you so! I screamed to myself. Why did I say that? That's so lame! I closed the app in shame, but when the hour's done, I hear a notification. It was his reply.

Him: Of course it is valuable because that boss indicates friendship
Why boss what are you really going to say promise I won't get angry at you

Ah! I should just go straight to the point. But my conscience takes over once more.

Me: So is a boss someone that you need is always here for you?
The person who's here to help you, understand you, support you, even if you don't need them anymore?

His reply makes me facepalm so hard.

Him: Yeah something like that
Why do you ask boss

I continue.

Me: A person who fell but you can't catch? A person who if not needed is left alone to rot? A person that you'll only notice when you need them?

Him: Who are you talking about boss and why does it seem like you are trying to call out someone boss

What am I saying? I need to stop!

Me: I thought that person had someone to lean on when they're feeling down, someone who will understand them too, that person could also have someone who loves them like how much they love the person they love.

Him: Wow boss who is it

Me: They were so stupid to think that someone would care for them, no matter who they are. Like how much love they gave for their boss.

Him: Tell me their name now whoever they are

He's not getting it at all! Why can't he see that it's...

Me: Me. Me who became a good friend for you.

I hold back the wetness of my eyes. The pain, it's strong. Just, hold on...

Him: I didn't know I was the one you were talking about

The tears fell. I've done it. They kept coming down, and squeaks followed as I tried to stop myself from the blubber I was about to do. But I failed, and it only continued. All I typed were three dots in reply.

Him: Sorry boss

Me: No.
I'm the one who's sorry.

His reply stung me hard.

Him: Why

I told him why.

Me: Sorry because I hoped.

Him: Sorry boss
I didn't know you had feelings for me

Me: I didn't even know too that it would come to this.
I told myself that I will not fall to someone like you because I thought I only saw you as a friend.
But I guess my heart has its own mind. How stupid.

So, all this time, you never noticed at all? All the effort I did, it was all for nothing? I kept crying,

Him: We're still best friends, right?

Me: Well, are we still friends? Even though, you know,,,

Him: Ofc boss

I breathed out, like something was trapped in me all along. I then typed ever so slowly, "Thanks. Don't try to trick me again ah? Lessen that flirty attitude of yours. :P"

Him: Yes boss

The conversation goes on. All I do now is, I'll hold onto that promise...

But for how long?