My secret

Chapter 1

Why do I have to even feel this way I thought. He was in yard mowing the grass I came out to his house every so often to stay. He's married which I mean why wouldn't he be I thought.

I guess maybe it would help you all picture him better if I describe him. He is tall maybe about 5'9 with olive complected skin. He had short black hair and green eyes. He is Italian and just 100%  gorgeous he's sweaty from cutting the grass and I'm staring to much so back to my book.

It was a warm summer day in June. The sun was shining down on us it wasn't overly hot out though. Which was shocking considering we lived in North Carolina. All and all it was a nice day out.

He just got done mowing the grass and comes over and gives his wife a kiss. I always pretend to not watch when they kiss unfortunately I always see and I hate that it hurts.

It kind of feels like someone is punching me in stomach over and over again. I've had these feelings since I was about 14 and now at 22 they there still there.

I go back to reading my book like I wasn't watching. So Melanie what do you think of pork chops for dinner he said speaking to me. I looked up from book yea that sounds good.

Alright I'm goanna go take a shower will you start dinner hun he said kissing his wife again. Of course she said kissing him back they kissed for a few minutes before he finally walked away .

And there is that feeling again of being hit over and over. I'm use to it now but it still stings a little even though it shouldn't.

I hate how much this killed me inside but I can ignore it. His wife was like a mom to me so I called her mom at times or other times I called her Allie which was her name.

Allie is very pretty she is about 5'2 and has paled skin and dark brown hair and she is chunky but not at all fat. Her hair is very long and she always looks good. No wonder he married her I thought as she was preparing dinner.

I guess I envied her for more than just having him. I hated that she was so pretty and I don't even measure up to her. I even thought about putting color in my hair once so maybe he'd look at me different.

He came out of the shower in a pair of shorts with no shirt on. And he had a nice body he was very well muscle toned. I looked away quickly trying not to react.

I guess it might help if I describe how I look as well. I'm not tall I'm 4'11 with dark complected skin. Which is why putting color in my hair would have been a bad idea. Don't get me wrong some colored girls look amazing with it but me my hair is damaged enough. I have short black hair and I'm not pretty and I know this.

Dinner is done Allie said with a smile. She made the kids plates and then hers. She let Matt make his own plate in all my envisioning about him forget to mention his name was Matt.

Melanie he yelled I guess I zoned again yes I said. Make your plate you need to eat he said to me. I'm not really hungry I said to him. He rolled his eyes your eating he said end of discussion.

I rolled my eyes back him and made myself a plate of food. I picked at it and didn't eat much. My thing is I didn't really like to eat because I hated the way my body looked.

I know I know really really unhealthy but it's not easy to feel confident.  I could tell he was mad at for not really eating but he let it go.

Allie headed to bed not long after dinner so now it was just me and Matt. And of course that made me nervous as it always did. He picked a movie something with cars I think I wasn't paying attention to it anyways whenever were alone I cant focus.

He is sitting on one side of the couch and me on the other. I feel like there is a magnetic pull between us I know it's in my head but still. I start to zone again I do that a lot around him.

(Daydream)

I need to ask you something Matt says looking at me and pausing the movie. That would be I said looking at him putting my book down. What is on your mind today you have seemed a little distracted he said.

I was thinking had he finally caught on but there was no way I thought. Nothing I'm okay I said with a smile to him. Really because you don't seem okay he replied.

I'm good I lied, I know he could tell I lied to him. He just shook his head at me. I think I know what's wrong he said moving closer to me. Which made me nervous he put his hand on my leg.

You seem nervous why he asked with a smile. I'm not nervous I'm good I said to him. He moved a little closer really he said so you'll be okay if I move closer.

Ummm I'm okay I said nervously really he said leaning in and kissing me. He kept kissing me until he was on top of me. His hand slipped up my shirt.  His kiss was amazing his lips were Magic against mine.

Melanie I heard Matt say snapping me out of it. I'm headed to bed here's the remote get some sleep. Okay thank you I said taking the remote from his hand.

What's going through your head over there you seem distracted he said. I'm good I said smiling he looked at me weird but he let it go.

Goodnight he said leaving the room and going into his bedroom with his wife. I hated the feeling I had when I saw him and how much I wished I could have him.

I turned on Netflix and put on last man standing and laid down and drifted off to sleep.