Lennon

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Seventeen - Only When I’m High  

What was I thinking telling Jude all of that?

                I know that I told myself that it had to be done, but I’m not so sure anymore. A few hours ago when the ending credits of the last Harry Potter ended and the sound of Jude’s snoring was the only sound to be heard, I started getting second thoughts about the whole thing. 

                It’s not that I don’t trust him with the information given, as I trust him more than anyone else on this planet (with the slight exception of Meredith). He’s the only one breathing that knows me inside and out, so obviously I have a whole bunch of faith stored in him. Jude is the perfect kind of guy to pour your heart out to, as he will listen to whatever you have to say for hours on end without complaining a word, so of course he's worthy of my trust.

                I know that he won’t ever tell another soul about the things I’ve said, as I know he wouldn’t like it if I did the same to him. I'm not sure just how many people here know what that is and I know that Jude would like to keep it that way. The events that lead us to coming here is strictly our own stories and only we have the right to let them in on the plot. 

                Although Jude let me cry on him for a few hours and went right back to the TV like nothing happened much like I insisted, he knows that something changed.  In the back of his mind now, he'll always know just how messed up I am. My story will be like the lingering taste his alcohol leaves behind, a friendly reminder that never seems to leave. 

                  I know that he has a reason for coming here, too, so he's also messed up in the head. It’s just that his story isn't even that real. It's real as in it happened, yes. It isn't real in the sense of the actions leading up to it weren't the truth, as he didn't kill Mara; she killed herself and it’s as simple as that.  

                But for me, everything is real. I had a lifetime of what Dad did to me, no questions asked. It was years upon years of everything crashing down, which ended in me left in the rumble. I needed to get away from it all for so long, but I couldn’t. I’ve had a lifetime to get to this point of me being a freak, whereas he’s only had a couple years to spoil his life.

                There is no denying that I’m at the bottom of the mental ocean. 

                My mind reels back to what I found have done if I put myself in this situation a few years ago; if I was ever this dumb. I know that I would never be as stupid as to reveal by truest form to anyone, but still. My heart feels about ten times heavier, as I realize just actually want it would have done.

                I would leave. 

                In a single heartbeat and a hand snapping quicker than Cinderella’s godmother, I would walk right out the door. I would stuff everything I own into a suitcase the moment the words left my mouth, ready to leave everything I know behind me in the dust. I wouldn’t care to give it a second thought, already determined to let myself forget it even existed. 

                With a start, I realize that’s exactly what I did before. Look where that leads me to find? I’m in a foreign place, about to go out of her mind because I didn’t think things through and spilt the beans to a handsome boy.  It’s pathetic, really, to think that I’m going to get better by traveling from place to place like that. 

                It’s been months and yet I still haven’t found who I really am. I’m in no better of a mental state right now then I was when I pulled up here, no matter how hard I try to convince myself of anything other than that. By visiting hipster places like this, doesn’t mean that I’m going to find my Tumblr ending.