Nihilism ; Oikage [HIATUS]

Denial

[Kageyama]

Once Oikawa had left the room, I took into account what I did last night. How I fought off Iwaizumi, even though I knew that if we were to get into an actual fight, I'd definitely lose.

And that Oikawa would probably side with Iwaizumi instead of me.

That thought sends a shiver down my spine.

Just because Iwaizumi has been in Oikawa's life for longer, he would have taken his side. It's disgusting.

Maybe that's why I have trust issues. Maybe that's why I'm not good at making friends and keeping them. Because you can think you know someone so well, think that they're a great person and that they would never do anything to harm you, and then end up in a situation like Oikawa did last night.

There's still a part of me that doesn't know why my instinct was to harm Iwaizumi. I didn't try to say anything to him before I attacked him.

Usually, if someone was doing something wrong, I would ask them to leave, or at least glare at them until they got uncomfortable. But I didn't this time.

For a split second, the thought crosses my mind that it might be because Oikawa was the one in danger. Maybe that's what set me off.

But I shake my head.

No, that can't be it. Oikawa is the bane of my existence. I only attacked Iwaizumi because what he did was disgusting.

Even still, the memory lingers in my mind of Iwaizumi's hands running up and down Oikawa's uncovered skin, and the smirk he wore as he gazed down at the sleeping boy beneath him. Even just thinking about it made me seethe.

If I hadn't been there at that moment, something really bad could have happened. Something that could scar Oikawa forever.

I hit myself on the head.

There it goes again. His name. Why does it keep coming back? This situation would have been no different if anyone else was in danger.

I still would have stepped in and stopped it. I still would have made sure nothing went wrong. I still would have been an honorable citizen and protected someone in danger.

So why does it hurt less when I picture someone else in Oikawa's place?

Well, maybe "hurt" isn't the right word for it. It's just an odd feeling. The situation feels heavier, almost, when Oikawa is there.  Like a weight on my chest.

I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding as the thought occurred to me, and I suddenly became worried.

I don't. I can't. There's no chance I actually care about Oikawa, right?

There's no way. The only people I've ever labeled as "caring for" are my parents. And even that was limited, since I didn't get to see them much.

The sound of the bathroom door opening snaps me out of my thoughts, and I gaze over at Oikawa, a sullen look on his face and drops of water dripping from his hair and his jaw. He looks miserable.

He makes eye contact with me, and I feel my breath hitch momentarily.

He simply frowns, retreating to his bedroom and shutting the door. I soon hear the sound of his lock turning, telling me that he really doesn't want to be bothered.

And for the first time ever, the feeling that he wants to be alone... I don't like it.

...

Why don't I like it?

I glance up, gazing at one of those so-called "motivational" quotes Oikawa has framed and stuck around the house.

And at this moment, I realize that this is the worst time I could gaze at these words.

"Denying what you feel will not make it go away. It ensures that it never gets resolved."

...

Oh no.