Fifty More Shades of Wilkinson

Chapter Twelve

I never replied to Sam. I don't know what to say. Like... at all. What should I do?

I got it I'm going to G and Bella's house tomorrow and I'm gonna ask them.

--

Me: What do you mean I'm on my own?!
B: We mean that you're on your own. We made the plan so you had time to boost your confidence to go tell him how you ACTUALLY feel.
Me: You're joking.. tell me you're joking...
G: Nope
Me: FUCK

There was a knock on the door then Johnson walks in and I grab him by his shirt and push him against a wall. 

Me: Why the hell did you tell him?!
JJ: He forced me! He was asking me all bunch of questions!
Me: Then you lie!
JJ: He asked me how long we were dating! I forgot the plan!
Me: What did you tell him!
JJ: I said that we weren't and that's when everything went crashing down!
Me: Dammiittttttt 

I look at the door and notice that Sam is just standing there, but he wasn't alone. I slowly let go of JJ's shirt. 

Me: Hi
S: Hey
St: Hey I'm Stass

I kinda just give her a look, then a slight smile.

Me: Sabrina
St: I know, Sam told me about you yesterday.
Me: Oh ok
S: Everything.

She just stares at me like I have some sort if disease or something. I'm sorry but I haven't done anything to you.... Yet. I don't like the way she's looking at me.

St: how was Paris?
Me: Not as great as you would think, the natives are rude towards tourist.
St: Oh.
Me: Yea...

It's awkward it really is.

--

After about an hour of pure awkwardness and talking split between the bunch of us, Sam asked if he could talk to me alone and you could see Stass' whole facial expression change. She was not happy about that. 

Since we were all sitting on the floor for some odd reason, I got up and walked toward the kitchen after Sam did. I put my hand on the counter and leaned against it waiting for him to start speaking. He never did. He just... stood there.

Me: Well?

He locked eyes with me then made sure no one could see us from our blindspots.

S: Sabrina, you're different.

Me: Is that a bad thing?
S: No, but I don't know if it's a good thing either.
Me: What do you mean?
S: You're just... different. I feel like I can't connect with you like we used to.
Me: Well neither of us are like we used to.

I reach up and poke one of his tattoos and he just continues to look me in my eyes.

S: You know what I mean. 
Me: Do I Sam?

I look at his neck and I see him swallow. It's weird I know but have you ever just looked at someone and just wondered what their body was doing? No? Ok. I don't know how to explain it. I look up from his neck slowly back to his eyes.

S: Sabrina?
Me: Yes

His voice is low. I love it but hate it at the same time. 

S: Do you still love me?

I don't want to reply. The reply is the truth. The truth hurts. Maybe not for him. Definitely for me.

S: Sabrina.
Me: No. I don't. Sam, I loved you when we first got together. Things ended, it was weird. We got back together but over that time period, I learned that I didn't love you like I'd hoped. I was definitely IN love with you. I still am. And it hurts. It hurts because you're with her. You moved on. You're very happy with her. Or so you seem it. But I don't care. I don't want to be that girl that ruins you two like that one girl ruined us.
S: Sabrina I'm in love with you too...
Me: And it's okay if you're in love with he- Wait... You're what?
S: In love with YOU too.

I just look at him. Those words. Right there. They light up my world. I could die right now and be at peace. I have no words for him. I don't think it's possible. 

That's when I feel him grab my face with both hands and kiss me. He's kissing me. The feeling of him kissing me. It feels so natural like there's nothing else in the world surrounding us. I can't lose him again. This man in front of me, that is kissing me. Holding me like nothing happened in our past. He's my happiness. My pure joy. 

He pulls away slowly but he's still close. I love this man. He loves me, but we can't be. He and I are like medicine that brings you down 20 miles before shooting you up 10 miles to where your health is needed to be. Except, you're being shot down 30 more miles down. It really hurts. Honestly truly. I love you, Sam, I do... I do.

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I'm sorry but you are also welcome. I have reason to believe that the next chapter is the last. I am truly grateful for all the votes and the reads you guys have given me. I have been about 80% devoted to finishing these books since I was in like 7th grade. I'm a 10th grader now and I'm so hype dude. But Thank you. Thank you to the people that had held up their other 20% devotion to these books even when I disappeared for weeks sometimes even months. So thank you for bringing my books as far as they have come. I love each and every one of you and hope you enjoy my new book 2 Cigarettes about Jack Gilinsky. - Your Fave B
P.S. #madisonbeerisoverparty and #jackgilinskyisoverparty need to stop. That abuse was both ways and Y'all need to stop. None of know the true story behind it. There are not just 2 sides to this issue and we just need to back up and let them handle it as the adults they grew up to me.