09.09.17
dear friends,
thank you. i have read through every single comment on the my last update – through all your submissions and through all your kind words. please believe that when i say i'm grateful for your love, support, and patience, that i mean it from the bottom of my heart. it devastates me to know that, now that it's september, it's been a year since i last updated. a year since i last wrote my own stories. a year since i lost my spark.
i wish i could say things have gotten better, but things for me have actually gotten much, much harder. i've had many people assume that i was in college already, but i started just the other week. i'm attending college here in my hometown because college is expensive as hell and having a twin brother makes it double expensive. as expected, staying home for college isn't an exciting college life to lead.
life has been hard in the sense that with college comes readjusting. i'm readjusting to college, the ways of college, a new routine, and being miles and miles away from people who were my absolute happiness and support. i don't have many deep friendships with the people who have come with me from high school, so i feel very alone in a way.
i'm also tired of my own damn city. life feels the same, yet it's not the same to an extent.
i've been immensely sad, stressed, and anxious for a very long time. but in the movie moana (fave, love, adore, you should all watch it and talk with me down in the comments - calling all disnerds), there's a song lyric i just thought of that goes, "you can find happiness right where you are."
well, i've been trying. i'm still trying. i'm trying in little ways to make my own happiness, but it's not been very successful. i'm still very sad and anxious, but ya know, it's a work in progress.
i really want to get back into writing. writing was my escape and i want it to be my escape now. but being gone for so long has made even a comeback hard. i've had three people pick out a prompt from the last update so that i can narrow down and force myself to write something. i'm sure i'll be doing these one offs even after those three are written. i've started the first one already and it will be up in due time.
as for story writing goes, i've put memory documentation on hold. i've also unpublished breaking stereotypes, simply because i had no longer have motivation for it whatsoever. i will not give up on memory documentation, though – i just feel like i need to write something new. memory documentation branched off of a thousand words, but i want to write a story that maybe relates to how i'm feeling so i have an outlet to channel my emotions into. i have a pretty good idea about what story i'm writing next, but i want to get settled into a routine for college before i begin. i want to be ready to come back.
hopefully the next time i post, it will be one of the one off's. writing again is so difficult because i'm constantly saying to myself, "does this sound okay? how do i word this? how do you say this? is that enough?" basically: HOW DO I WRITE.
but you just do it!! i need to remember to write unapologetically as when i first started writing all those years ago. no filter, no restraint. even if it was absolute shit, at least i got it down and out there. it's all about writing and writing and writing. i say this all the time to people who ask me for writing tips: just write it and you'll find your voice and your style.
since i stopped, i lost mine. i need to discover it again. and i want to thank you for being so amazing as i try and get up to go find it.
thank you, always. i love you all to the moon and back.
love,
jess
