Mafia

I forgive you, but I can't forget

"You're mad at me," I stated as we drove through the city on our way to Luca's place. Gabriel was up front, driving the huge black definetely- a -decepticon SVU, me in the back with a fuming Luca and the air in the car was so stifling it was almost suffocating. 

"Do you have any idea the kind of danger you put yourself in today?" His voice was low, quiet, cold and rumbling with barely contained emotion. I could tell, just from listening to him, that it wouldn't take much to push him over the edge and if that happened, he'd explode. 

Luca had always had an explosive temper, but he rarely ever allowed me to see it, always managing to tone it down with me. Clearly, he was trying to do the same now, but I wasn't sure he could do it. 

I'd pushed him today, and he was right, I'd put myself in unnecessary danger by freely walking right into the midst of a situation controlled by the Bratva. I was aware Dmitri and Luca knew each other, knew that at one point they had been allies and from what I'd managed to deduce, they still were. But in their world, now also my world, alliances could change from one heartbeat to another.  Truthfully, I'd acted impulsive and without sense when I decided to go to that funeral, and I'd not only put myself at risk, but to some extent even Luca and everything he'd worked for. 

"I wasn't thinking," I said quietly in response to his question, my head turned away from him as I gazed out the window at the passing buildings, the people milling about on the sidewalks, streetwendors and people dressed like superheroes taking pictures with tourists. I'd always loved New York, the diversity and vibrancy that always seemed to thrive in the city, but the city of light had dark corners and I was just learning how to maneuver my way through them. 

"You wanted to attend the funeral, you should have told me." He bit out, voice so sharp it felt like a blade grating across my skin, and I sucked in a deep steadying breath before I turned away from the window and locked my eyes with his angry ones. 

"Would you have agreed? And don't lie to me Luca, tell me the truth." Gritting his teeth, he reached out and gently gripped my chin, his thumb moving up to trace the corner of my lower lip as his eyes roamed my face. 

"My world isn't the same as it was the last time you were in it Ana. Back then you were living on the perifery, safe from prying eyes because I was nobody and I could keep you safe by keeping you out. This time, that's not an option. You know who I am, what I do and what I've had to do to get to where I am today, and baby, I know you don't like it. I can see it in your eyes, but still you stay with me, accept me as I am and accept my world as it is." I bit my lip and held his eyes, swallowing as his words settled somewhere deep inside me. I wondered if he understood that, if he could accept the fact that there were things about him I would never fully embrace or accept. Knowing that he understood that, that he didn't hold that fact against me, it calmed a fear I didn't even realized I'd been harboring. 

"I'm doing what I can to protect you from that, but-" he went on, his eyes still holding anger as his fingers tensed on my chin and I held my breath as he pulled my face closer to his, "you are making it very difficult to protect you when you run away from the people assigned to protect you, and run towards the very things I'm trying to protect you from. So, to answer your question, would I have agreed? Probably not. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have talked to me about it." 

It sucked, but I had to admit he had a point, and now I was feeling guilty because I knew most of his anger stemmed from worry and that sucked even more. My eyes slid away, my thoughts shifting through everything that had happened that day, and how lying and keeping secrets from the man I'd agreed to spend the rest of my life with, was probably not a very healthy way to build a relationship. 

Shit. 

"Ana," His voice pulled me back to the present, and I had no idea why, but as I looked into his eyes again, I suddenly found myself blurting out, "I'm going riding with Elena on Saturday. It's probably a good idea if you clear it with Dmitri first, you know, just in case." He stared at me, his eyes boring into mine and I watched his jaw clench as his eyes moved to the ceiling and then I watched him take in a deep breath that expanded his chest before his eyes came back to mine.