All the Little Children Need to Come Home

Chapter Five: Grief and a Hard Choice

  Her family arrived throughout the afternoon and evening. Everything was said, and nothing was said. There were no answers. She and Ben were waiting to hear from the detective, who had promised to call as soon as the autopsy was performed. Since it was considered an "unknown death", it would be performed today, and he would know something by early evening.

When the phone rang, Alice was ready. She immediately picked up the phone and walked into the dining room, closing the double French doors behind. Detective Matthews asked her several questions and she answered in short words. She thanked him and hung up the phone. She sat in a dining room chair, head cradled in her arms, thinking about what she had just been told. She was stunned and confused. She was extremely relieved he hadn't suffered at all.

She took a deep breath, gathering her thoughts before opening the doors and slowly walking towards the family room, where dozens of eyes waited for the incomprehensible to be explained. She glanced up at the cupboard where they used to keep the alcohol as she passed. No alcohol here. Hadn't been for almost five years. She closed her eyes to shut out the impulse for the one thing she knew would take away the pain that seared through her being. Not now. Not yet.

She rested her hands on the railing that separated the kitchen from the living room, facing everyone with a composure that surprised her.

"It was his heart," she said, relief flowing through her words as she confirmed what she had acknowledged already. "No alcohol, no drugs...but something in his heart. They found something in his heart. His heart just stopped. "

The room remained quiet as everyone absorbed the information that Todd had died in his sleep. No pain, no heart attack. His heart just stopped. As far as he knew, he just went to sleep. It was called Sudden Cardiac Death from a heart condition that had been slowly damaging his heart for years. It was silent disease that eased quietly throughout his heart over the years.

Alice moved through the room, speaking with each person. She felt undeniably calm knowing that Todd had simply fallen asleep. He worked so hard to get better. He'd been going to the gym as well as manage to work a full and a part time job. His restlessness, the anxiety before sleeping, the agitation; all along it was his heart. It was already damaged so much his death would only have been be a matter of time.

Late afternoon turned into night and family slowly prepared to leave. Alice walked each family member to the door. Someone mentioned the toad. He wasn't in his usual spot.

"Mom," Adam said, as he joined her at the door. "We haven't seen the toad."

The toad was special to this family. He had first showed up on the corner of the front step the night her mother had passed away four years ago. Alice had just left the hospital, where her siblings were staying. Before she went, she had sat next to her mother on the hospital bed, took her hand and leaned towards her, directly into her eyes.

"I'll see you tomorrow," she had told the woman who had taught her everything about responsibility, choices, forgiveness and unconditional love. "But just in case," she took her mother's hand. "I am who I am because of you. You are the best mother in the world. I love you." Alice had kissed her mom on the lips and heard her whisper back, "I love you."

As she came home that night, she almost stepped on the little toad, but it didn't jump or move. It just sat on the corner, like a centaur guarding a valuable abode. Alice had looked down at it and patted it, to see if it was alive or had frozen there. It was warm, and craggy, and still did not move. Throughout the years, they would notice the toad after times of sadness, or happiness. Alice wasn't sure if it was the same toad over the years, because it always seemed the same size. It was an unspoken promise that no one would try to pick it up. She had no idea where it went when it wasn't here on the steps. It always appeared at night, and was gone by the morning. After a while, since it mostly appeared for Todd, everyone referred to it as "Todd's Toad." It became part of the family.