Bittersweet Coffee (DEH:Treebros)

Chapter Ten: Connor's Thoughts

Connor was madly in love with Evan.

Evan never left Connor's mind, he's always there; mentally if not there by his side physically. It's just incomprehensible. He's Connor's one stable force, his one stability in a world filled with chaos and hate. Connor so desperately needed Evan in his life.

This feeling is so strange, so foriegn to Connor; it stretches throughout his whole body. It's overwhelming, yet makes him feel complete. It has no bound nor length nor depth; it's just absolute. It feels as though Connor's emotions were at war or in a dangerous fire, yet he was completely safe around Evan. As if he were floating away and Evan would ground him. It feels as though his heart is dancing around his chest; and a hole, Connor was never aware was there, had been filled. He felt so light, like he's on top of the world yet Connor's heart is constricting and it feels as if there's no oxygen in his lungs.

It's strange – frightening even – how you can go from someone being a complete stranger, to then being completely infatuated by them and wondering how it ever was that you were able to live without them, because you sure as hell couldn't imagine being without them now. Connor loved Evan more than he could ever love himself. He was his only friend and, as cheesy as it sounds, he was Connor's anchor. His one stability in this world filled with chaos.

Except there was a problem.

He had to conceal it. He didn't know if Evan liked him and even if he did, how would he tell his parents and sister? How would they react? And what about the people who taunt him? Who bully him and harass him. How would they react to him loving Evan... Would that also risk Evan being harassed by those people too...? He couldn't tell anyone which pained him the most.

What if Evan didn't love him the same way, or lost interest or got tired of such a messed up person, such a troublesome and problematic person... All these "what if"'s only grew bigger, the words swarming within his head then he was suddenly pulled from his mental stalemate.

Evan tugging on Connor's sleeve. Only now did Connor realize he was standing still, right outside of the cafe's back door. And soon he realized, he was still tightly gripping Evan's hand.

"Are you okay?" Evan asked quietly, face still red from what Connor would assume crying.

"Uhm... Yeah." Connor muttered under his breath, letting go of Evan's hand and then pushing his hand through his tangled hair.

"Are you sure..?"

Connor had already answered which angered him. He didn't want to talk about it so saying 'yeah' should've been good enough. Connor's face frowned in frustration, "I said yes, now stop asking!"

Evan's eyes widened in fear, the yelling had scared the small figure. Connor, realizing what he had done, made him go from anger to pity.

"I'm... I'm sorry, I didn't mean it..." he mumbled, walking closer towards Evan and pulling him into a hug. Connor wanted to just burst into self-hatred right there and then. He didn't want to hurt Evan, that's the last thing he wanted yet he still did it, all he did was just hurt everyone!

He sighed quietly, hugging Evan tightly. He wrapped his arms around Evan's shoulders and pulled him closer, gently rubbing his arm. Despite the heaviness in Connor's stomach, it fluttered at the feeling of his body pressed against Evan's. He sunk into the warmth of his side, appreciative of the simple gesture. His touch made the air warmer somehow. Made him feel as if he were already at his true home.

"D-Do you, uhm, d-do you wanna do whatever you s-said before?" Evan asked, his voice muffled by Connor's shirt.

Connor chuckled releasing Evan from his grasp and gently taking his hand.