Darkshines

Chapter Eight

Dan's POV

"Omg, you don't need to baby me, Dan!"
"I'm only concerned where you've been!"

Alex rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically, glaring at Dan with a face that literally told him 'Are you serious?'.

"C'mon, don't act like you're a grown-up with making all the decisions by yourself here! You're just 14 and I'm not sure I trust your friends..-" Dan tried to reason but Alex interrupted him.

"Dan, just-.. Seriously?! Are you one to talk here? Really? You're not an adult either so don't fucking tell me how to live my life. Concerning my friends, they aren't half as bad as your so called 'friends'. You go out like every weekend to parties with them, and I've heard rumours from school that are pretty nasty." Alex was breathing forcefully and it looked like he could punch Dan right here and now. But he didn't.

He stood up and begun to walk upstairs to his room, but stopped in the middle of the steps, turning toward Dan as if to say something.
Dan wanted to tell him he did this cause he wanted to protect his little brother from the shitty decisions that he had made himself, gotten himself the friends that he had, and a bad lifestyle. Alex was the most important thing in his life. But he didn't admit this out loud.

They stared at each other for a few seconds, but then Alex turned back and went to his room, slamming the door with a bang that was heard in the whole house. And so they left with words unsaid.

He stayed in the kitchen, sitting by the table with his face in his hands, breathing unevenly. He was not crying. Of course he didn't. Losers cry. You're not a loser. You're Dan freaking Howell.
His attempts of encouraging himself were not working. He sighed to himself, and decided to go out for a walk to clear his head when he heard keys in the locks of the front door, meaning his mom was home.

Quickly, as by reflex, he dried off any sign of wetness from his cheeks, not tears, and took a deep breath to calm his shaky breathing. Mere seconds later, his mom appeared in the kitchen, looking endlessly tired and wasted from alcohol. Her hair was set in a ponytail but most hair had slipped off and hung down her cheeks in greasy stripes. Dan stood up uncertainly, wanting to leave.

"Hello Mom" he greeted her with a small, fake smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. Dan tried to be kind to her, she was still his mom.

She grunted something in reply but did spare him a glance and a weak smile for a second, which was more than he expected at least.
He chose his words carefully, not wanting to upset her in anyway, because that was easily done. "You look like you had a long day, mom. I think a long, hot shower will help you relax and enjoy the rest of the evening. I'll prepare dinner in the meanwhile."

"That doesn't sound too bad actually..." she pondered, and nodded to herself. She walked forward to Dan and ruffled his straightened hair so it didn't look so straight anymore.

Then she embraced him with her arms in a hug, which surprised Dan rather much, but enjoyed it while it lasted. The warmness of the hug made him aware of how much he lacked affection and body contact. He missed being hugged.

He felt a lump in his throat again, and he swallowed desperately, not wanting to cry. He was almost never hugged, not even as a child. He remembered his grandma's warm hugs and kind words, she always had time for hugs and listening to all the stories he had to tell, telling her of things that happened in his life. Grandma had been his favorite person in the world. But now she was dead, and so with her disappeared the countless, warm hugs.

His parents hadn't want to hug him. No, his parents made it clear he wasn't appreciated since as long as he could remember. He wasn't wanted. He never was.

The hug didn't last longer than a few seconds, much to Dan's dislike. Hugs were very rare, not only from his mom, but from everyone. He thinks the last hug he had was from Alex, around christmas last year. And it's already November now. He really craved some sort of comfort, but no one was there to give him that.

After getting a hug from his mom, he was kind of hoping for her to join him for dinner. He had prepared some tortellini and cheese sauce, it was an easy but tasty dish that he was pretty sure his mom liked. But after she had gotten ready after the shower, she just grabbed some of the food that were placed onto the table and went inside her room to eat. He also heard a bottle of wine being opened and that's when Dan understood he wouldn't see much of his mom this day.
He scolded himself for even thinking to getting any hopes up, while poking around the food with his fork like a child.

Later on, he lied in bed with his laptop again and as he clicked his way onto tumblr, he saw a new ask-comment. Anonymous. Again.

Anonymous said: u r such a bigoted retard. why aren't u in the trash already u garbage.

What was this? Why did he get these comments all of a sudden? Although, the comment stated nothing untrue, he was nothing more than some garbage.
He thought about his friends, how they probably saw him as just that. Dan had many friends. He was one of the popular guys in school.

But he didn't feel popular. Popular meant being liked by many, right? He didn't feel well-liked. No, to be completly honest, he didn't feel liked by anyone in particular. Not Chris. Not Jack. Not William. Not anyone.
It's just that, he'd be off much worse without them. Going partying, being loud and disrespectful to the teachers, and picking on people that weren't popular. It wasn't pretty, but at least he wasn't bullied? He'd learn that the hard way.

But they weren't his friends. Not really.
He wished he had a friend, a real friend.

He just felt so lonely.