Not a Monster Anymore (Double Crossed Book 2)

Chapter 21

It's been just over two months now since Dib died. I really haven't talked to anyone since Gaz at the funeral, and I'm pretty sure it's starting to take a toll on my mental state. I understand now exactly why social interaction is so important to humans. When you don't have something as dead-set as an Irken invasion mission to do, things get pretty boring when you're on your own. It's just like before: I don't want to be alone. Though, now it's really just for the sake of my sanity more than anything.

"It wouldn't be so difficult if you were still around, huh?" I say into the air. The question is kind of addressed to Dib, I notice. Of course, that's where my mind would default to. "Even back when we were enemies, I really enjoyed your company, y'know? You sure as hell got in my way, but at least it wasn't boring."

I shake my head at myself. I'm talking to no one. Nothing is here. But... I do kind of feel a bit better.

"Well isn't that just psychotic," I mumble, again, to nobody. "I've heard stories of people going insane and talking to bugs and inanimate objects they find in their rooms. Is that what this is like? Except way more fucked up?" I'm met with silence, though I don't know what exactly I expected. I scoff at myself.

The door creaks open and I look up from my pillow, where my face was previously mashed into. Gir stands in the doorway with another tray. He hasn't given up on me yet.

"Are you okay?" he asks. "Who were you talking to?"

"Uh... no one," I answer honestly. While I was technically speaking to Dib, he wasn't exactly hearing and responding to me, was he?

Gir raises an eyebrow slightly, so subtle I almost don't notice. But he doesn't say anything as he places the tray down, grabbing the other one. I stare longingly at the treat at the door as Gir goes back upstairs. It's been weeks since I've eaten anything at all.

Maybe just... one bite?

Slowly, I slip out of bed, pretty much crawling on all fours to get the tray, like a wild animal circling it's prey. I lean forward, eyeing the food, a little weirded out by the idea of eating after having relied on my Pak's natural energy and a human-like sleep pattern to keep me sustained.

Finally, I give in, sitting with my back to the door, laying the tray on my lap. I pick at a few of the better bits of the food, not exactly wanting to eat the whole thing just yet.

"It's strange finally eating something after almost three months of absolutely nothing," I say, again to Dib. The weird form of 'communication' is easing my mind a bit, however, so I don't internally shun myself for it this time. "Even Irken stuff. Of course I've always enjoyed it more than human food, but it's still food, nonetheless, and I haven't touched any of Gir's trays since he started this whole thing."

For a second, I think I almost hear a little laugh, like Dib is listening, and even talking back. My antennae perk up suddenly at the sound and a smile plays at the edge of my lips.

"You should really try Irken food sometime," I continue, wanting to hear him again. "It's really sweet. Then again, maybe you couldn't exactly handle just how sweet it is. I've seen how some humans react to overly sugary food."

---

In a few minutes, the tray is empty. It surprises me for a second that I've actually eaten the whole thing- in such a short amount of time, no less- but I push the tray off after a moment and grab for my disguise.

"You've been here, listening to me ramble this whole time," I say, sort of apologetically. "I should come to you. That might make things a little bit easier."

Gir seems surprised at my upstairs presence- even more so at the fact that I'm headed for the door- but I assume he doesn't want to ruin any chances of my 'progress', so he doesn't say anything, instead just nods at me as I close the door behind me.

The weather has warmed up substantially. It's now the middle of April, so the grass is brightening a bit, and the trees are budding with more and more leaves by the day. Or, I would assume, I haven't exactly left my room for a week or two.

Or eight.

I shudder at the thought, but I continue to walk, not caring how far my destination is. The fresh air is nice. There are children that I remember from Skool. Is it the weekend? Or just late afternoon, when Skool is out for the day? Regardless, I walk past, not talking to them. I don't really see the need to. I know where I'm going, and there's no reason for a detour. A few of them look at me, and some even point, as if appalled by my presence, or wondering where I've been. I mean, I would too, I suppose.

After a good half hour of walking, I end up at the cemetery. For a moment, I wonder why I'm here. Didn't I come to see Dib? Then the realization hits me again.

"Oh yeah," I mutter. "You're gone."

'Not entirely.' The voice is vivid, almost as if he's right next to me.

"Yeah, but I can't see you. I can't feel you. Your voice is here, but what about the rest of you?" I slump my shoulders, disappointed once again.

'At least some of me is with you.'

I smile. "Yeah, I guess. It could be worse, right?" I twitch uncomfortably at the thought of being alone again. "I was so sad during the past two months."

'I know, but I'm here now.'

The sentence relaxes me. "You're here. You're here with me. And I'm here with you."

---

When I get back, I sit down on the couch, feeling like nothing ever happened. Everything feels like it's back to normal. Gir walks up to me, still tentative.

"Are you ready to... talk?" he asks, again, clearly trying to make sure I'm not pushed out of my comfort zone.

I shake my head. "I've done enough of that today. I'm kind of tired."

Gir seems confused when I say this. I guess I didn't exactly talk to Dib while I was around him. He'd left my room before I really started, and he hadn't come outside with me. He doesn't ask though, instead sitting on the couch next to me, and I can see in his expression that he's hoping things are back to normal too. I give him a reassuring smile, and he relaxes a bit.

It does feel a little bit weird, however, to sit with Gir on the couch like we're friends rather than a team. Of course, we'd done it a few times while I'd still been active in my mission, but that was really just to pass time. Right now, we're just... hanging out, I guess. Minus the talking, of course.

A few times, I can hear Dib laughing, presumably at the show, and I smile a little bit, happy that he's finally back. But after a couple of minutes, I realize that I still need to fix myself. I promised Dib that I would. I stand up suddenly, and Gir looks up, panicked.

"I'm just going down to the lab," I say, walking toward the kitchen chute. "I need to do something."