Not a Monster Anymore (Double Crossed Book 2)

Chapter 22

The lab looks close to abandoned when I walk in, showing me once again that I didn't try hard enough to fix myself. I push through the guilt, heading for one of the machines, which I'd used often enough to work on my Pak. I don't know if it'll work on something this extreme, but there's no harm in trying, I suppose. I don't have many other options anyways.

"There's only a slight chance that something will go wrong," I say out loud, more to myself now, rather than Dib. I need to hear the reassurance.

I detach my Pak, laying it on the table in front of me. I open up one of the compartments, confused when I see the tracking device that Dib had destroyed back at Membrane labs tucked partly behind the Pak leg. Had I replaced it? I don't recall doing that, or even having been in the lab since I'd implemented the paste injector, hence why it looks so abandoned.

I shut the compartment. I can't just start tinkering. Without knowing even slightly what's wrong, I could risk making it worse. It's obviously not dented or fading though; nothing on the surface level. I dread opening it back up. I haven't done anything like this in forever. And what if I can't find what's wrong? I need to fix this, but if I don't know how...

'It's okay. Just breath.'

In my panic, I'd almost forgotten about Dib, so hearing his voice both startles me and soothes me. He's here. He can help me, even if he's not physically working on the Pak. He'll be here to keep me calm. He always has been.

I take a deep breath and look back at my Pak, the top compartment still open. I pull out the two Pak legs, so that I can see the mechanics underneath, only to find that there's less space than usual, like a dent had been knocked back into place. I don't know how I notice it; it's a minute change. But an Irken knows their Pak like the back of their hand, as humans would say, and I can just tell something is different. However, it doesn't seem to be too impacting; like I said, it's just a tiny change, as if something were out of place, and has now been put back in place. I tuck the legs back into their respective pockets.

The other two compartments seem normal, other than the returned tracking device in the left side and a few chips on the legs, presumably from having banged them around a few too many times. But there's nothing that shows that the Pak is broken or altered. My heart sinks and my antennae lower, pressing against my head. That can't be right. There's definitely something wrong with me, despite the perfect Pak.

'We can figure it out. Don't worry. You have all the time in the world.'

"Do I?" I ask, tears stinging the back of my eyes. "I have no clue if there's a point of no return, or if I'm even already past it. And even then, what if it takes an eternity? Not even Irkens live forever. Nothing can."

---

When I get back to the living room, I'm deflated. Dib is still trying to tell me that everything is okay, but he doesn't understand how serious and important this is to me. I've hurt people. I've killed people. Even him. I can't do that anymore. I have enough weighing on my back. Gir turns his head to see me, his face dropping a little when he sees my expression.

"Are you okay?" he asks, pushing himself off the couch slowly.

"I'm fine," I lie. "I just... I couldn't do what I needed to do."

'But you can. You just have to-'

"No! I can't!"

Gir recoils from me. After a tentative moment, he leans forward just a bit. "Who are you... talking to?"

"Dib," I say stiffly, frustrated that he just won't listen to reason. "I'm talking to Dib. He thinks I can do it but-"

"Zim," Gir interrupts lowly, "Dib isn't here anymore. He's gone." A pang runs through my chest at his words.

"H-he's here," I argue weakly. "I can hear him. I can hear him, he talks to me, and he makes me feel like I'm not alone. He keeps me calm, but he doesn't understand..."

Gir shakes his head, eyebrows pulling up. "Zim. I'm serious. I understand that you miss Dib. I do too, but he's..." Gir trails off, looking nervous.

"He's what?" I growl. "Tell me Gir, I'm just dying to hear." I can feel the pressure bubbling up inside me, for the first time in months. It feels so disgusting, but I ignore it, keeping my glaring eyes pasted on Gir, who curls up a little bit.

"He's... he's dead, Zim. You know that. He's been dead for-"

"No," I interrupt. "No, he's here. I can hear him. He's... he's here and he talks to me, and he keeps me calm, and... and..."

Gir places a hand on my leg. "Zim. You have to understand that Dib isn't coming back. You saw him." I growl lowly, the pressure in my chest growing, ever faster, building up. "You know what happened, you know that-"

"Shut up!" My voice ricochets off of the walls, and Gir jumps back, scared of being hurt. But he doesn't jump far enough, because the next moment, he's flying through the air. For less than a second, he drifts past, and then he connects with the walls, and before my eyes as the pressure drains away, I see bits and pieces of the one physical friend I had left scatter across the room, nuts and bolts and scrap metal flying all around me.

"No," I groan. "Not again, no, no, not again, not again." I pick up the biggest piece- which, granted, isn't much bigger than my palm- and squeeze my hand around it, holding back tears. "This is why I'm so worried! This is why I hate that I can't fix myself! Can't you see? I'm so dangerous. This is why I need to figure this out."

'It wasn't your fault.'

"Like hell it wasn't my fault! I just launched him across the room, did you not fucking see that? I'm a monster," I cry. "I thought I was better than the other Irkens, but I'm even worse than them! Now I only have a voice. You're the only one left, and I can't even see you." I sit there for a minute, so silent that I can hear my tears hitting the floor.

"I just want to see you. Please, why am I like this? I just want to see you..."