Journal Entries

November 12, 1967

I hate my life. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. When Darry woke me and Pony up to get to work or school this morning and Pony was all cuddled up in my arms and pressed against me and I wanted to kiss his neck and tell him I love him and... oh great, I'm crying. I can't believe myself. I want to tell him I love him but I can't without choking up. Even if he tells me he loves me first. I wish he wouldn't say that, though, because I'd take it the wrong way and ruin myself even more.

I guess I can't really say I hate my life, though. I mean, I've got friends and brothers who care about me. That's enough, isn't it? I mean... I'm being stupid. Maybe I don't even have these feelings, maybe I'm just making them all up to have something to do when I'm bored. I don't know... I wish I could ask someone for help, but...

I just want my parents back. Mom would know what to do. I could trust her with this, I know I could. I'd tell her how sad I've been and she'd ask why and I'd be scared but I'd tell her and she would say she'd help me. I know she would. I don't know about Dad, though, but I know he wouldn't be too mad at me.

I wish I could tell Darry. Now I know he'd be really mad. Maybe he wouldn't talk to me anymore... or what if he didn't love me anymore..? What if he told Steve and the rest of the boys? They'd hate me too... Even Pony would hate me, or make fun of me or something...

I couldn't take that. I can take the boys picking on me for having a crush on my brother, but if my brothers or even Steve hated me... I don't know what I'd do.

Today at work, me and Steve were making conversation. He said he was going on a date with Evie tonight and I said that was cool. I wasn't really feeling too good earlier so I wasn't much up for saying anything. Steve thought I was mad at him and I just shook my head and told him no. I still think he thinks I'm mad at him but I guess I kind of am. He can have any girl he wanted and I know I could, too. But I don't want girls, I want Ponyboy. I almost told him that, too. But I didn't thankfully. I wish I could tell him without being scared. I trust Steve, I really do, but... I don't know...

I know Pony tells Johnny everything and Johnny keeps his mouth shut good. Maybe I could talk to Johnny about it. I know Johnny probably wouldn't judge me.

~Sodapop Curtis~