Darry made me go to work today, whether I was feeling like shit or not. I really should have gone yesterday, Darry can't pay the bills himself and it was just selfish of me. I'm supposed to be the helpful one, I don't need help. I can do this myself, I'll be okay.
Steve asked if I was feeling any better from yesterday and I smiled at him, telling him I was. It was a lie, and I was hoping he would see through it. I had bags under my eyes from not being able to sleep correctly and everything hurt. I was so tired. But he smiled back at me and took the bait, believing me. The rest of the day we just joked around. I never knew it'd hurt so much to force a smile.
I was thankful when Darry came by and picked me up instead of making me walk home, but I deserved to walk home anyways.
On the ride home we were mostly quiet, but I felt him looking at me a lot, and it made me nervous. I think we weren't even halfway home though when he started talking to me.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." I muttered. I had to kick my own ass later for being so mean to everyone, but I just wanted to be left alone. I think I made him feel bad because he stopped talking for a little bit and that made me feel bad, even to the point where I wanted to cry. I just felt so terrible, for making him feel bad, for loving Pony, and for god knows what else, I just really wanted to cry. So I did. I started tearing up and trying hard not to cry which made me cry even harder.
"Soda? Little buddy, are you okay?"
"I'm fine!" I yelled at him. I started trying to open the door but he had them locked. "I want out!"
"You need to calm down!" He shouted. I gasped and froze and did just that, I calmed down. Mostly because I was a bit scared or surprised or something, but I didn't really expect that. I should have but I guess I didn't. When we got home I went straight to my old room and slammed the door shut, and started crying again. I was glad he and Ponyboy (who was home from school at this point) left me alone, but I secretly wished they would have came and checked on me. But I blew that.
Darry also made me come to dinner. I couldn't barely eat nothing. It's weird, I've been hungry when I can't eat and not hungry when I should eat. I just looked down at my plate and felt myself shaking. I would look at Pony from time to time; I like looking at him. But he looked back at me once and I couldn't look away and boy he always manages to steal my heart. I sure as hell don't deserve to keep it to myself. But I wish he could steal more than just my heart, maybe a kiss...
See? This is why I hate myself.
~Sodapop Curtis~
YOU ARE READING
Journal Entries
FanfictionHere we have the journal of a young, almost seventeen-year-old boy who can't cope with his feelings of being in love with his younger brother. Sodapop confides in his friends, and yet, he can't seem to find the comfort or will to stay alive, not eve...
