Journal Entries

January 3, 1968

I haven't had the strength to write. I keep thinking about our age differences. He's fifteen and I'm eighteen. If I did anything with him, whether he liked it or not, I'd be put in jail and god only knows if Pony would get to stay with Darry or not.

Things are just getting worse...

I found out that great gift Steve was talking about that he got me. He told me it was that he told Ponyboy how I felt. Even though I already figured that, I almost knocked his lights out right there in the middle of the DX garage. I told him not to do it, and he did. He's just lucky Ponyboy doesn't hate me, because if he did, then I'd hate him. Steve may be my best friend, but I'm not gonna let him run these kinds of risks for me.

I mean... I don't think I could ever hate Steve. But I'd be mad for a long time.

Tonight, I'm gonna do it. I've been itching to hurt myself, but I can't. But I've got all I need here to finally do it. I don't want to live with my guilt anymore, and it hurts seeing someone I'm in love with every day and knowing I can't have him.

I love you, Ponyboy. You'll never see this, but I love you. I'm sorry I was mean to you, and I'm sorry I ignored you. I just couldn't be around you because I was scared. I know I should have told you and I'm sorry Steve was the one to do it. I'm sorry I wasn't a good big brother to you. I love you.

And Darry... take care of him. Don't be too hard on him, either. I love you so much and I'm sorry I wasn't a good little brother. Please be careful and don't work too hard. And hey, at least it's one less mouth to feed. I couldn't have gotten this far without you two. Thanks for being here for me, big brother. I love you, too.

I guess this is it...

I'm really gonna do it...

I'm sorry...

~Sodapop Curtis~