I screwed up today, oh my god I screwed up. I don't know what came over me but it just happened. I got so scared and too sad and the thoughts wouldn't stop and it just happened, I didn't mean too, I swear I didn't.
Me and Steve were at work and I was feeling more sad than usual. I couldn't stop thinking about Ponyboy... and a lot of my thoughts were kind of sexual... I hate myself. Why the hell can't I just get over it? He's my brother, he's never going to love me the way I love him. I shouldn't want him. I don't even deserve it.
I started crying out of nowhere. I thought of him moaning my name and it hurt. My chest was constricted and my groin started to hurt because I was turned on and... I just started crying. Steve came over and kept asking what was wrong, which only made me panic more. I pushed him out of the way and ran to the bathroom. I couldn't breathe right. I ran right up to the sink to look at myself in the mirror and I saw a failure. I couldn't stand it anymore. I don't remember how I got it, I don't remember having it before, but I pulled a razor out of my back pocket and I just started cutting up my wrist.
There was so much blood.
Steve came in because I forgot to lock the door. I know he was just worried but he shouldn't have just came in. But when he saw all the blood, I felt more pale than I probably was. I was crying and I was just scared. He helped me wash all the blood away and he took the razor from me. I was happy he did, I didn't want it anymore. Throughout the day I felt like i needed it, but i can't hurt myself. It'd kill me, it'd kill Steve, and it'd kill anyone else who found out. I don't' want to hurt people.
Steve drove me home today instead of letting Darry. He stayed with me at work even after his shift ended just to make sure I wouldn't hurt myself again. I didn't trust myself either.
He kept asking why I did it, why I was crying, why everything. I told him I didn't know, but he didn't believe me. I wouldn't believe me either.
I couldn't hold it back anymore. I told him this:
"I think I'm in love with Ponyboy, and I'm scared out of my wits."
He asked how long I've been scared or if I've been hurting myself, and I said:
"I've never hurt myself before, honest... But for the past month or even more, I realized I really did love him differently... I want him. But... I can't do anything about it."
That last part hurt just saying it. I can't do anything about it.
~Sodapop Curtis~
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Journal Entries
FanfictionHere we have the journal of a young, almost seventeen-year-old boy who can't cope with his feelings of being in love with his younger brother. Sodapop confides in his friends, and yet, he can't seem to find the comfort or will to stay alive, not eve...
