So I decided to talk to Johnny about it after work. Work was slow so I had time to think about what I wanted to tell him. But I told him around sunset, when the sky was orange and yellow. He was sitting in the lot smoking a weed and I was shaking and trying not to cry because I was panicking, so when he saw me walking up to him, he instantly asked what was wrong. I sat down and I wouldn't talk until that lump in my throat had disappeared.
"I'm scared, Johnnycake." I mumbled, my voice shaky and kind of high-pitched. When I sat in the dirt, I raised up my knees and placed my head between them, shutting my eyes and just trying to focus on my breathing. He didn't press on, I think he was waiting for me to keep talking. "C-can I tell you?"
"Sure," he said, blowing out a few smoke rings. I've always found it real cool that he could do it and I found it real funny when Pony failed when he tried. Johnny tried teaching him a while back but he couldn't quite get the hang of it.
"Y-you can't tell no one. Especially Ponyboy." I said that last part quietly and watched him nod. He seemed real cool and easy for once but I think it was just so he wouldn't upset me any further. "I'm in love..." I whispered, my voice shaky. Goosebumps appeared all over my arms and legs and it felt weird being able to actually say it. Johnny looked at me sadly and tiredly.
"With who?" He asked, flicking away his cigarette butt. My heart was pounding in my chest and tears were spilling down my cheeks and I was panicking. He looked away from me until I started to calm down. Johnny's not real good at helping with that kinda stuff but I can thank him for not pressuring me into telling him. I don't even know why I decided to tell him. Impulse I guess. I've been trying not to act on those, especially since they've been kind of... suggestive. But I watch myself. I'm strong. At least a little bit I am.
"Pony." I said, my throat closing up and my voice real scratchy. He looked at me with slightly widened eyes and I instantly regretted it.
"For how long?" He asked, his voice soft. It put me at ease somewhat but my breathing was still really hard. I was getting real weak and tired.
"Maybe a-a m-month? I-I don't know!" I said quickly, covering my face.
"Does 'e know?"
"No..."
"Don't tell 'em. Not yet."
Yet... I wonder what that means...
~Sodapop Curtis~
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Journal Entries
FanfictionHere we have the journal of a young, almost seventeen-year-old boy who can't cope with his feelings of being in love with his younger brother. Sodapop confides in his friends, and yet, he can't seem to find the comfort or will to stay alive, not eve...
