I couldn't even go to work today. I hate that I keep skipping writing in my journal most days, but I never have the energy to even get up anymore. That's why I couldn't go to work; I was too worn out. I wish I could just sleep forever. Darry tried getting me to stand, I could tell he was getting irritated with me. But I just told him I wasn't feeling good and that I'd call in work later. I'll do that after I finish writing up, lately I've had a lot on my mind besides Ponyboy, though he is the majority of what I've been thinking about. He always is.
The thought of wanting to sleep forever kind of scares me. Most people would say it's because they're just tired, but... I guess I kinda say it because I don't want to wake up and face reality, or my thoughts. I don't want to die exactly, but... I don't know, maybe if I did something like that, everything would just stop. I've been getting a lot of impulses and urges to hurt myself or even just leave entirely, the town, the state, something. But I wouldn't do either of those things, I couldn't. But I want too.
Nobody seems worried about me. Not that I want them to worry, I think I'm still doing pretty okay. But I wish they'd ask if I'm okay or something. But knowing myself, I'd probably just tell them everything that's wrong with me. I'm afraid if I do that, I'd be put in a crazy house or something. Then I'd never get to see my family again, or Ponyboy. I feel bad for saying family then his name, but I hate to think of him as my brother if I have feelings for him. It makes me feel more disgusting than I already am.
Why should I hate myself for this? He's my brother, yeah, but I can't exactly help how I feel. Why does it make me feel so bad, so disgusting, so guilty?
Oh yeah, because people would probably hate me.
I guess I'm the kind of guy to do things based off of people's opinions or something. They think I look good, I think I look good. They think I should do this, then I do it. I mean, of course I won't do anything bad. But I've been really tempted to go to parties and stuff with Dally and Steve, but I don't want Darry to be mad at me.
Pony seemed worried for me before he got out of bed. Usually I'm always awake first, or quick to wake up. But I wouldn't even move. He started shaking my arm to wake me up and I snapped at him.
"I'm awake, dammit!"
He kind of just backed off and started getting ready for school. I felt like shit for yelling at him. I didn't even mean too, that was the thing. Like I said, I wish I could just sleep forever.
~Sodapop Curtis~
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Journal Entries
同人小說Here we have the journal of a young, almost seventeen-year-old boy who can't cope with his feelings of being in love with his younger brother. Sodapop confides in his friends, and yet, he can't seem to find the comfort or will to stay alive, not eve...
