Journal Entries

December 25, 1967

Today was my day off since we get holidays off. Everyone in the gang came over to the house today to celebrate the holiday. Snow touched the ground like a pure blanket, and because I'm me, I wondered what it'd be like to freeze to death.

While I was lost in thought and looking out the window, Steve waved his hand in front of my face, knocking me out of my train of thought. He smiled at me, talking about how he got me the greatest gift. I forced a smile and folded my arms. I wore my flannel sleeves down to cover my healing cuts, but I folded my arms to keep warm. I was always cold nowadays.

I kept to myself all day even though Darry made me come into the living room so we could all be together. I didn't know why he wanted me in there, though. I didn't do anything and I knew I burdened him and everyone else. I didn't even try to act happy, I just stayed lost in thoughts of suicide and Ponyboy.

Darry kept asking if I was okay, and I'd tell him I was, giving him smiles. Eventually he pulled me into the kitchen and sat me down, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"Don't think I haven't notice how you've been acting for the past month or so. Me and Pony are really worried about you Soda, but you don't seem to come out of your room anymore... Tell me the truth; do you need a therapist?"

I told him no when I should have told him yes. We hugged it out, then we went back into the living room to be with our friends.

When we opened our gifts, I was thankful. I had gotten a few new flannels and shirts, and I was sure to tell them thanks. I was disappointed, though, when I didn't see what 'great gift' Steve had gotten me. I didn't mention it, though, not wanting to be rude.

I went to bed early that night, feeling drained from the activities and socializing. When I got to my room, I almost shut the door until someone stuck their foot between the door and frame. I looked up to see who it was, and when I saw it was Ponyboy, my heart almost jumped out of my chest.

"I have one more thing for you..." he mumbled, shoving a piece of paper at me before running back into the living room. I held the paper tightly then shut my door, turning and leaning against it then sliding down to the floor. I was afraid to read it, and I started crying when I did. I decided to write it down here so if this note got lost, I still had it here.

Steve told me how you felt yesterday. He told me you were hurting yourself because you were in love with me. I wish you would have told me, because me and Darry have been worried sick. I miss you. I miss you sleeping in there with me because I've been having nightmares and I miss when you used to talk to me. Is this why you've been ignoring me? Because I felt scared that you hated me. You're everything to me, Soda, and I don't want to lose you because of how you feel about me. I don't know how I feel... I just know that I need you and can't lose you. I love you Soda...

I feel terrible. But I'm just too scared to do anything about it. I don't want to lose him, but he's not even mine. Maybe I'll actually do it soon.

~Sodapop Curtis~