The Soldier's Girl (Under Editing)

Chapter 31

CAROLINE'S POV

The next morning when I woke up there was a split second where I didn't remember any of it. But then everything came back. I felt like there was a 100 pound weight on chest when I thought about my dad. I needed Taylor. I opened my eyes and sat up to find her sitting up on the other end of the bed.

"Hey." She said softly while extending her arms around me. I leaned into her hug. My head was rested on her chest where it always rests and I could feel tears forming in my eyes. The inside of my nose was burning and I knew I was about to cry. Once the first tear escaped my eye I let out a breath I'd been holding in and continued to hold onto Taylor.

"Shhhhhhh." Taylor said while rocking me in her arms. I knew she said it to comfort me, not to tell me to be quiet. My sobbing was quiet with a lot of breaths in between. Once I started thinking about my dad being dead and my future without him I took in even more breaths than before. My breathing started getting faster and faster until I could hardly breathe anymore.

"Care you have to calm down." Taylor told me noticing the near panic attack I was having. She started rubbing my back with her hand, her other hand was in my hair. She had pulled her body away from mine and was looking me in the eyes.

"Breathe. Everything's going to be okay.... I love you." She leaned in and pressed her lips to my tear stained cheek. My breathing had slowed down a little, but I was still extremely upset. Taylor started hugging me again and I never wanted to let go. If my dad wasn't alive I didn't want to be anywhere but right here in Taylor's arms. I never wanted to walk out into a world where niether of my parents were living. At one point Taylor started to get up from the bed.

"Don't leave! Don't leave!" I practically begged her.

"Come with me." She said. She took me out into the kitchen and the whole time we were walking there I stayed as close as I could to her. I sat down on a bar stool at the a counter and she got out bowls, cereal, and milk.

"Do you want some of this?" She asked.

"No." I replied. She poured me some anyway. She sat down beside me and started eating her cereal and I had a few bites of mine. I wasn't hungry for anything at all.

That afternoon I was on the couch. Taylor was sitting on the end and my head was in her lap. I wouldn't let her leave, today I had been in one of those moods where I needed to be with her all the time. I had been pretty calm without any tears for the last couple of hours, so I was pretty proud of myself for that.

We had been in silence until Taylor's phone rang. It was on the coffee table and I grabbed it for her. Before I handed it to her I saw that the caller ID read 'mom'.

"Hello." Taylor said while gesturing to me that she needed to get up. I let her because I knew what would come in this phone call and I didn't want to hear Taylor talking about my dad's death. I did hear fragments of the conversation from the other room.

"She's really upset and I feel so bad....I don't know how it happened they just said he was killed in action....The funeral is next week I guess." Taylor said into the phone.

The funeral. I had completely forgot about that. The guys told me it would be next week and there would be a 21 gun salute. I really didn't want to think about that. I squeezed my eyes shut thinking that it would somehow make things better, I turned over to face the side of the couch and I blocked out the rest of the phone conversation.

When Taylor came back she must've thought I was asleep because I felt her put a blanket on top of me and then lean in to softly kiss my head. I decided that a nap would be nice and in no time I was out.

By late afternoon I was jolted awake by a gunshot that only sounded in my head. I heard myself gasp loudly when I woke up and I didn't even realize that I was crying at first. I was a little startled when Taylor came onto the couch beside me and asked what was wrong. I didn't think I needed to answer her, it was pretty self explanatory; I'd had a nightmare.

Today the nightmare was scarier than any I've ever experienced, only because it wasn't just a dream, it was now a real thing that has happened. My dad has gotten shot and killed. I bunched up the blanket that was once on top of my and pressed it to my body with my arms. My heart was still racing and even though I didn't feel like I was crying tears were coming out of my eyes.

"Do you wanna talk to me?" Taylor said as she pulled me toward her and rested her chin on my head. I'd almost forgot she was there until she said that. I realized that I hadn't really talked to her much since it all happened yesterday. Maybe a few words. But I mostly just cried with her.

I wanted to talk but I didn't know what to say. I wanted to tell her how scared I was about what happened to my dad and about what would happen to me, I wanted to tell her about how my sense of safety and security felt like it had been flipped upside down since I found out. I felt safe with Taylor, but now that I knew my dad wasn't coming home and I had no parents left I didn't feel right. I wanted to tell her how much it hurt. Emotionally an physically, my throat always felt tight and my chest and head always hurt. I just didn't know how to put any of that.

There were also some things that I was thinking that I didn't tell her. I didn't want this anymore. I loved Taylor but if I could make a bargain with God and my dad came back and we had to move a different place again and I never got to see Taylor again I would be okay. Of course I would want to see Taylor but more than anything I want my dad back.

"My moms going to drop us off some casserole soon so we can have it for supper." Taylor told me. You know something very bad has happened when people start bringing you casserole. I didn't even like casserole, I had too much of it after my mom died. But tonight I guess I would be eating Andrea's casserole with the same feelings going on in my body as the last time I ate casserole when I was in kindergarten. Except they weren't exactly the same feelings.

This time I had a better grasp on what death really was. How final it was. And this time it was more sudden and unexpected. We knew my mom was going to die. I remember my dad sitting me down on Christmas Day that year and telling me that my mother was going to die soon. Six days later it happened. I at least had some warning and time to say goodbye then. This time it came out of nowhere. The worst part was the last time I saw him in person was in August.

I got up from the couch without saying anything and went up to my room. I didn't want to be downstairs when Andrea came and I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't want to talk to anyone really. I hadn't been in my room since last night right after I found out. The first thing I did when I went in a second time was put all the pictures of my dad face down. I couldn't look at them yet, it was way too soon.