The Dirt

15. The Girl You Think I Am

I didnt sleep much that night. In the morning i went downstairs to see lisa making eggs and bacon.
"How was your sleep?" She smiled.
"Non existant." I grumbled. She laughed as she handed me a plate full of food. I smiled wide and thanked her. When i heard him say good morning Lisa i choked on my eggs. I avoided his eyes and Lisa gave me a look. I ignored her as well, cleared my plate and went to groom Gypsy. She whinnied when she saw me and started pacing the wall while i got her brushes and some oats for her. I headed into Caleb and Lisa's tack room and looked around for a mane comb but ended up eating dirt after i tripped on a synch. As i went to get up i was face to face with a trunk under a pile of other things. My curiosity got the best of me. I tossed the things on top, to the side and then went to open the trunk. The lock was rough and worn but eventually clicked open allowing me to lift the lid. Buckles. There where silver, gold, bronze plated buckles atleast 100 of them, newspaper clippings and a bundle of envelopes. On top there was a buckle from the national finals rodeo for bronc. He had won. I went to put all the buckles and the envelopes back until i saw my name.

Kourtney. Return to sender. Kourtney. Return to sender. All of them addressed to me.

Kourtney,
My god do i ever miss you. But i'm doing all this so i can do good by you angel. I want to be able to give you the world. It just means daddys gotta be on the road for awhile. I love you so much and i miss you. I'll write when i can.
Love your daddy.

I couldnt believe it. I kept opening them getting angrier and crying as i read every word.

Kourtney,
My angel im sorry i wasnt there for your birthday. 8 years old is a huge milestone. Im so proud of you. I hope you're treating your momma right. I qualified for the nationals and im gonna do right by you and im going to win it for you. Happy birthday.
Love your daddy.

That must have been the year he won that buckle. My mother has always been selfish. But i never thought shed keep him from me. I never thought she'd lie and say he never called or wrote on my birthdays. I thought he was a drunk who didnt care if i lived or not. She lied. The tears wouldnt stop. Before i knew it i felt two arms wrap around me. Austin. He told me to breathe as he grabbed me tight. He took one look at the letters and knew. He scooped me up and the letters and took me to his room. He read them to me out loud, while I stayed silent.
At some point I must have fallen asleep. Austin had tucked me in and set the letters on the bedside table. My head hurt from crying.
I stood up and grabbed the letters and headed into the house. Austin, Lisa and Caleb where sitting at the table their conversation grew quite when I walked in.

"Why didn't you tell me. Why didn't you try harder." I whispered. Caleb stood up and wrapped me in his arms.
"I tried my best Kourtney I promise you that much." I heard him start to cry. Lisa came over and rubbed his back as he cried. I let go of Caleb and gave Lisa a hug too.
"Thank you." I smiled to her. I grabbed Austin's hand and brought him to my room. He sat on my bed while I stood and stared at him.

"Can we get out of here?" I asked. He nodded and I packed a change of clothes into a bag.

It started snowing really hard, as he drove.
"Why didn't you want me." I said quietly.
"Believe me I want you but I don't want to hurt you." He replied.
"You don't think you rejecting me hurt?" I said raising my voice.
"Kourt I'm trying to look out for you, I love you. I don't want anyone but you." He frowned.

We pulled into Pops driveway and he lead me inside. He started a fire in the fireplace because the power was out and brought down two pillows and a fuzzy blanket to set up a floor bed for us. I laughed at how precise he wanted it to be. He smiled wide when he was done. His dimples and his eyes twinkling made me chuckle a little. He looked like a kid who just made his first sand castle. He walked towards me and wrapped his arms around me pressing his chest into my back. Nestling his chin in the crook of my neck.
He kissed my neck softly, and i turned to face him. He moved his hands to my hair moving my lips towards his softly kissing them.
I broke away and pulled off his shirt. He lifted me onto the island behind the couch as I kissed him. He pulled off my shirt and kissed down my collar bone. I got off the counter and lead him the the bed he'd made in front of the fire. I undid his belt and he slid off his jeans. He had cigarette burns down his legs. I ran my fingers over the scars. He moved his hand to my cheek and tilted my chin upwards so I was looking into his eyes. He kissed me lightly then undid my jeans. I slipped them off and he pulled me towards him. I turned my back to him and slid my underwear off, I went to undo my bra and felt his breath on my shoulder. He softly kissed and nipped my neck as he undid my bra. "I love you." He said and the rest is a blur.

We woke up to a fire and nothing in between us.