The Ghost [Marvel | Steve Rogers]

Chapter 58

Upstate New York, USA

Spring 2015

Steve owed her his life. And Nadine hadn't said another word about it. She hadn't allowed him to speak long enough to bring it up or even thank her for doing it. Grabbing him the way she had? She'd put her own life on the line. He easily could've pulled her over with him on that lifeboat. And she would've realized that. In the instant it would have taken her to spring into action, she would've known it.

But she'd done it anyway. Regardless of the way he'd treated her. Regardless of the way he'd utterly disregarded everything she'd done over a split-second judgement call...a horribly wrong call. As soon as his thoughts had cooled, as soon as he'd been forced to get his head on right when going up against Ultron in Seoul, as soon as he'd had some time on the ride back to New York to really think over what he'd learned, he'd known just how gravely he'd messed up. And hearing out Nadine on the Helicarrier had only enforced that.

He'd risked everything just because he'd let his emotions get the better of him.

Steve's gut had clenched the longer Nadine had spoken, the more she'd opened up and revealed about what had happened all those years before. He'd never expected her to be so forthcoming. Certainly not without a great deal of reluctance and prompting, even insistence on his part.

Well, there had been hesitation at first, but it was disconcertingly easy to tell that it had stemmed from discomfort at breaking of her long habits of secrecy more than any attempted refusal to explain or any attempts at dishonesty or deflection. At least, as far as he could tell. After all, like Natasha, the blonde assassin was trained as a highly skilled spy even if she didn't delve much into that particular side of their profession.

As far as he could tell, though, there was no deception on her part. She'd sounded brutally honest, right down to her inadvertent implications—and direct ones too—of how she viewed her own part in what had happened between her and Bucky.

When Ultron had first revealed the extent of the blonde's history with his friend, Steve had been rashly and irrationally inclined to think of her the same way; that she'd been complicit, indifferent. That she'd even had some sort of unfeeling, even cruel intent. He should have seen through the irrational conclusions brought on by his initial gut-reaction on the Quinjet. Part of him had; he'd seen how affected she'd been and had known what that meant. Someone who didn't care wouldn't have reacted the way she had. Even then, distracted and unreasonable as he'd been, he'd somehow known that. But another, louder part of him had simply refused to acknowledge it at the time; it had been howling in pain at the reminder of the horrific things his best friend had been forced to endure.

Even now, his chest still felt tight at the inescapable realization that had settled over him in that office on the Helicarrier: she'd had little more control over what had happened than Bucky had. Furthermore, she seemed to be refusing to admit it to herself. But the more she'd said, the harder the conclusion was for Steve to ignore. And judging by the bright-eyed heartache on Natasha's face? The redhead had been equally aware of the blonde's stubborn inability to see that she'd been just as much a victim as Bucky had been.

Neither had there been any mistaking the relief that had surfaced on Nat's face before then when she'd realized Steve's perspective of Nadine's role in what had happened with Bucky had genuinely shifted, that he'd admitted to himself just how wrong his initial impression had been; naturally she'd been able to read as much on his face. That had been a relief in and of itself.

Natasha had told him off in no uncertain terms back on the Helicarrier over what had happened. After he'd tracked her down, before she'd disappeared into the infirmary after her sister and niece, she had confronted him on his behaviour back on the Quinjet. His own self-reproach was nothing compared to the dressing down Natasha had given him. And that was saying something.