Dear...whomever...

Losing Motivation

      I don't even know where to start....I woke up today feeling like actual CRAP. I didn't want to get up, didn't want to eat, didn't even want to shower(but I did, because not showering is gross). I don't feel okay. I keep having nightmares. My mom doesn't hear my screams in the middle of the night because I learned to sleep with a pillow covering my mouth. When people ask me if I'm okay, I want to respond with "No, I'm not okay, and I never have been, and I never will be. I feel like I'm dying.

       Depression is torturous. I wake up drenched in sweat and tears, alone. I hate being alone....but I hate being around people who don't care, either. I just want to be happy....but I guess I don't deserve it. I'm just...so....TIRED. I'm SO TIRED of breathing. I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of being lied to. I'm tired of being mistreated. I hate everyone. Yes, everyone. I hate my friends because they're lives are so good, and they don't see it. I hate that every time I want to say something, someone else has to bring up something they believe is worse. My emotions aren't something to be fought.

      When I tell you I had a rough day, I want you to listen, not to say "Oh yeah? Well my day was worse," That just makes me feel like I'm being dramatic, or that I'm not allowed to share my feelings. I never write these things to offend you guys, by the way, I just need to say what I am thinking. Please don't criticize me for being human. I can't always listen to your problems. I have problems of my own.

      I feel out of control, and distant. I don't feel like me, I feel like a person living in someone else's body. Sometimes I think that I would be better off dead....because then you guys wouldn't have to worry about me. I just....don't feel like existing. 

      When I complain about doing something, it's not that I'm lazy, I am just too tired, mentally and Physically, to give you the energy required to complete this task correctly. I hate making mistakes. I hate not doing things right. I feel like a burden, I really do. My mom always complains about how needy I am, and how much I cost her....I bet she wishes that I wasn't around anymore...heh....Great minds think alike....