Dear...whomever...

Why Bother?

I don't know what to do anymore.

I can't sleep.

I can't eat.

Hell, honestly, I barely manage to shower and comb my hair.

I feel like deadweight.

I've stopped talking to all but a select few.

I pushed away some of my closest friends because I was afraid they were going to leave me. 

And they did. 

And it was my fault.

And for a while, I was okay with that. 

I'd rather be lonely by choice than by force.

But then I realized...

I don't have anyone anymore.

No one really gets me (other than Joselyn).

I'm not only afraid of living, but afraid of being alone. 

Everytime my mom gets mad, she threatens to leave me.

I've developed such intense separation anxiety, that I cried when I heard she was staying at her boyfriends tonight. 

I don't want to leave my house.

I just want my mom to stay with my forever. 

I worry that one day, she'll get hurt, and never come back.

I can't change who I am.

I just can't keep trying to be the person that everyone expects me to be. 

Sorry elly, I'm not perfect. 

I'm not normal.

Hell, I'm barely fucking sane.

The only friends left are the ones in my head.

Everyone around me wants me dead.

Well...at least I know what y'all want for Christmas...

Although....I can't even kill myself correctly, so why bother...

 Fifth times the charm? Oh please.

You know...

The hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.

Will someone please end me?