Downward Spiral | Solby

Chapter Five

Of course.

Sam watched Colby talk to Brennen and Corey from his window for a few more minutes before the brunette headed inside. Sam knew it would only be a few heartbeats before Colby was up there with him and his heart trembled.

One heartbeat.

I miss him

Two heartbeats.

But he doesn't miss me.

Three heartbeats.

I wouldn't mind dying.

Four heartbeats.

"Sam?"

"Hey Colby."

The brunette shut the door behind him and walked over to the blond boy at the window. Colby felt tears threatening his eyes again as he truly took in his best friend. Sam's body was small and thin, his face hollow and his blue eyes dull and dead.

"I'm so sorry," he blurted out, reaching out for Sam. Sam simply let Colby grip onto him. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."

"Colby," Sam said and Colby let him go. "I understand."

"Sam?"

"I understand why you choose Brennen. That's why you wanted to talk to me, right? I just want you to know that I understand and it's okay."

"N-No. Sam, no!" Colby stumbled backwards, landing on Sam's bed. "God no, I don't choose Brennen. I choose you. I should've always chosen you."

"And yet you ran to him because you couldn't handle me," Sam said tiredly. "You've always chosen him, Colby."

"Believe it or not, I love you Sam!" Colby cried. "And I'm terrified that because I can't get through to you, I am going to wake up one morning, or come home from something, and I'm going to find you dead. Okay? I don't choose Brennen, Sam, I choose you. I chose you back in Middle School and I choose you now. Please. Please, Sam, please believe me when I say that I choose you."

And then Sam was crying again and Colby was hugging him and they were just two boys caught in a downward spiral.

"I never meant to hurt you," Colby murmured as he held his best friend. "I promise you that."

"But you did," Sam whispered back, his head and his heart hurting. "You did Colby."

"And I'm sorry."

***

Sam came down for dinner that night. He held onto Colby's hand tightly as the brunette led him out to the table. Corey and Aaron were playing video games and Elton was in his garage. It was just the two of them in the kitchen yet still Sam felt overwhelmed.

"What do you want to eat?" Colby asked gently as he sat Sam down and pried the blond boy's fingers off his hand.

"I'm not hungry."

"Sam." Colby sighed, running his hands through his hair. This is my fault. "How about I make PB&J?"

"Okay," Sam said quietly and Colby messed around the kitchen. "I'm sorry Colby."

"For what?" Colby frowned as he slathered peanut butter on the bread.

Sam watched him. "You're really stressed out because of me."

Colby dropped the knife and met his friend's sad blue eyes. "Of course not, Sam. I'm upset with myself because I didn't realise I was shutting you out. I'm fine Sam, you've done nothing wrong."

Unconvinced, Sam nodded, studying his friend, picking out everything that Sam loved about him. The little freckle near his ear, the cheeks that hid the cutest dimples, crystal blue eyes that were home. Sam saw the tiredness that Colby tried to hide, the utter defeat evident in every body movement, every exhale. Colby was sad, just like him, but the brunette did a better job at hiding it.

"Here." Sam was broken from his thoughts as a plate was offered to him. The sandwich was nothing much, but it was more than Sam had eaten in one go lately and he felt sick just thinking about it. Colby seemed to sense his hesitance. "Just try. If you can't eat it all, then I won't push you."

Reluctantly, Sam took a bite, the food tasting like ash in his mouth. His hands shook but he swallowed dutifully and took another bite. Despite the lack of taste, he scarfed down the sandwich and stared at a beaming Colby with a small smile.

"Thank you," he said quietly.

"You're welcome," Colby said with a grin. "Come on, let's get you back to your room."

Sam frowned. "Aren't you going to eat anything?"

"I already ate," Colby said and Sam narrowed his eyes disbelievingly. "Honest. I'm just tired."

Sighing, Sam relented and he let Colby lead him up the stairs back into his room.