Downward Spiral | Solby

Chapter Thirteen

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Sam waited.

Kat stayed by his side day and night, only leaving to have a shower and eat when Elton came back, sometimes with Corey and Devon, sometimes with Aaron, sometimes with Brennen, sometimes alone.

But Colby never showed.

Sam asked Brennen about it once, the day before he was allowed to be released and Brennen's face had paled.

"He's distressed," Brennen had said. "I don't think he can leave his room at he moment."

Sam knew there was more to it, but he settled for the answer and accepted that his stupidity had cost him his best friend.

"Hey Blond Boy," Kat greeted, walking in with two milkshakes. "Doc said you could finally have one. She also said you're getting discharged in about five hours."

"Thanks Kat," Sam said, taking the drink and sculling it, relishing the flavour and the sensation of drinking something other than water. "Any word yet on Colby?"

Kat's pretty eyes darkened slightly. "He won't leave his room. Brennen says he's traumatised after finding you."

"Brennen's hiding something," Sam muttered and Kat agreed.

They sat in silence, just enjoying each other's company until Sam decided to ask her the question he'd been thinking about for weeks.

"Why did you leave?"

Kat sighed and toyed with her hair, a trait she shared with Colby. "You didn't need me," she said finally. "Well, you did, but not in the way I needed you to need me. I'm not stupid Sam, I know you spent so much time with me because you were lonely and I was there."

"I loved you," he argued softly and she smiled sadly.

"For a time," she said. "It was the best time of my life. But I've seen the way you look at Colby when you think nobody's watching. I know how much it hurt you to have to let him go to Brennen. And I'm so sorry I made it worse but I couldn't be his replacement."

"I'm sorry," Sam whispered.

Kat grabbed his hand. "I forgive you."

"Colby hates me now," Sam continued, staring at the roof. "I know Colby, he wouldn't let anything stop him from seeing me. He'd climb out his window if he had to. So why isn't he here?"

Kat traced a pattern on his hand with her fingers. "When someone you love is hurting, what do you do?"

"You try and help them," Sam said.

Kat nodded. "Exactly. Undoubtably, Colby thinks that his presence will be an emotional hit you might not be able to take. He thinks he's helping you by staying away."

"But he's not," Sam protested. "I want him here, I need him here."

Kat squeezed his hand gently. "You'll see him soon."

"Yeah," Sam said. "I guess I will."

***

He wouldn't do it, he knew that, but seeing what had almost taken Sam's life was oddly fascinating. Colby dropped the metal monster in the sink where it had been discarded after Sam's attempt.

"Why does it not hurt?" He asked his reflection but the mirror told him nothing.

He was hollow, Colby decided. He was empty. He'd given and given and given until even he didn't realise he had nothing left to give. And Sam....Sam didn't want him. Didn't need him. Sam had moved on, leaving Colby behind to choke on the dust.

"Why can't I hate him?" He mumbled, sliding down the wall.

Sam had been his sunshine forever. They'd slept in the same room, sometimes even in the same bed. They told each other 'I love you' just to make sure both of them made it to the next morning whenever things got bad.

And Sam had given up on that, given up on them. There wasn't Sam and Colby anymore, there was just a ghost of a laugh and a glimmer of blue eyes. They'd been broken and there was nobody to fix them.

Broken stars, Colby thought bitterly. We're just like broken stars.

He'd have to explain to their fans why they didn't make videos together anymore.  He wouldn't tell them what Sam had done, only that Solby had burned out and there was nothing left but ash. He'd run to Brennen, the one he could trust in this situation, the one who told him the truth.

Or maybe he'd start again, find new people, make new friends. Maybe he'd move out and find his way. Maybe he could move on from the blond haired boy Colby had spent so much of his life with.

Deep down, Colby know he wouldn't. He'd stay in the house, trapped by his own thoughts and nightmares. He'd play along and lock up all of his misgivings, all of his love and his sadness, he'd tuck it all away, burying it deep down where it wouldn't hurt anyone. They all deserved better than him but he could try.

Sam would hate him, Colby realised but then his resolve hardened. Sam already hates me. I won't hurt anyone else.

Colby didn't sleep well that night.