H.O.P.E. ~ Brallon

Brendon: F.U.C.K.

"This is it for me. I get it. Nobody wants me. Nobody cares. So why should I? Just close my eyes and everything will be over," I say. I step forward. Nothing bellow me.  There was someone above me holding my hand as I'm hanging 100 stories from the ground. "I care," he says.

"Grab my hand," He says. "No! let go of me! You don't know me! You don't know all the shit I've been through!" I cry as I dangle from his hand. "You know I'm not going to do that. It's either you give me your hand or we both fall because I'm not letting you go," he says.

"You must have a death wish," I say. "Well to be fair you're the one hanging 100 stories In the air," he says. "Please just let me go. You'd be doing the whole world a favor," I say.

I hear sirens beneath me and realize that there are cops below. fuck. "I hate you," I tell him. "Does that mean you're gonna give me your other hand so I can pull you up?" he asks. I reach my other hand up to meet his. He pulls me back up on top of the roof. I fall into his arm and cry. Why is it that every time I try to kill myself it never work. "I just want to die," I cry.

The stranger that pulled me back up holds me tight in his arms and shushes me. The officers finally make it to the roof. Not again. I know the drill. I've been through it too many times before. The officer ask me why I tried to kill myself, ask me if I'm going to stay safe, searches me for any weapons, then cuffs me, saying it's for theirs and my safety. My attempt was so severe that I had to be taken to the hospital.

The stranger that saved me was questioned by the officers. Why would anyone as good looking as him want to save a guy like me. I didn't even get his name.

The ride to the hospital is long and boring. They draw my blood then make me piss in a cup. My records say I'm a flight risk so they make me use the bedside commode. Great I love it when people watch me take a piss.

They put me on a chapter 51. I am cuffed to the bed for several hours as they find a hospital that will take me. I've screwed most of them over. I already know the only one that will take me is the state hospital. I know the band is going to be pissed off that I'm locked up again, but I'm sure Zack can make up a good excuse to the press about what happened.

After five hours of being uncomfortably cuffed to this hospital bed, I get cuffed in the transportation vehicle for the two hour car ride to State of Nevada Mental Health in Las Vegas.

Once we arrive I get checked in. They take my picture then send me to the unit. "Beebo's back! Hey Brendon we saw you on the news hanging from a skyscraper," Ashley says.

Ashley is one of their long term patients she has been here for all of my hospital stays. She has Split Personality Disoder. She is either Ashley who is happy and hyper and can't sit still. She is pretty much a child when she's Ashley, but when she becomes Halsey she's dark and depressed. She becomes Suicidal and likes to attack people.

"Alex changed the channel on us though. He said we had to focus on ourselves," She says. "That's right Ashley now what are you supposed to be doing right now?" Alex asks her. "Reading," She frowns and goes back to the dayroom to read.

Alex has also worked here longer then I've been a patient. We're around the same age so I get along with him better then most staff members here. Until my last stay when everything changed. "What the hell are you doing back Brendon?" He asks. "You saw why," I say.

"Brendon I thought we said that you were never going to come back here," Alex says. "I didn't plan on coming back! Do you think I tried jumping off a 100 story building just to come back here! No! I wanted to die!" I yell.

Staff come running when they hear me. "Okay Brendon calm down or else we're going to have to take you to seclusion," Alex says. "Don't talk to me like I'm Ashley! I'm 26 years old!" I yell.

"Well right now you're not acting 26," Chrissy says, "So you can either walk to seclusion or we'll bring you there." Chrissy is the nurse. she is in charge of all the staff members. I hate Chrissy. "Come at me bitch!" I spit at her and run down the hallway.

All of the doors are locked. I'm at a dead end. I wish that guy would've let me fall. He does not understand the hell I go through. The staff are getting closer. I do the only thing I know how to do best. I smash my head into the wall and I'm out cold.

When I wake up I'm tied to a bed, In restraints. Alex is watching me. I try to look away from him but my head is killing me. I wince in pain. "Well I hope that hurt," Alex says. "Shut the fuck up!" I yell. "Woah, Woah why are you so mad at me I was just wondering why you didn't decide to use your coping skills when you were feeling suicidal," Alex says innocently. "I never had any. I just pretended I did so I could get out of here and away from you!" I yell,

"I tried to kill myself because when I told my boyfriend we had sex he dumped me before I could explain that I didn't want to," I say. "You're such a fucking liar Brendon no wonder you're so crazy. You wanted it," he says harassing me. "I felt disgusting I couldn't look at myself in the mirror I felt so dirty. I would rather die then look at myself. I didn't want it I was screaming no!" I cry.

"Alex come with me. Bob can take it over from here," Chrissy says as she walks into the room. Alex glares at me then leaves. I feel so much better with him gone. I hope it was because Chrissy over heard us.

About an hour Chrissy releases me from the restraints. She tells me that she did in fact over hear me and Alex talking and that I was going to be questioned by the police.

I walked out into the day room. A patient named Amanda asks if I heard about Alex getting arrested. I tell her no and ignore her questions. I talked with an officer and he asked question like, were you and alex in any sort of realationship, did you and alex have sex, was it consensual, why didn't you tell anybody, was he threatening you.

No. Yes. No. I was scared. If I told then he would make sure I was never discharged. "Brendon his actions were not your fault. As soon as the treatment team can determine that you're safe you will be released. We will try are hardest to make sure something like this never happens again. I'm glad you didn't die you seem like a great guy. If you would have died it would've been a win for Alex. In my job I hate when the victims lose," the officer says

I smile and nod. I agree with him for once I'm glad I survived a suicide attempt.

That night when I went to bed I kept having dreams about the guy that saved me. I can't get him off of my mind and I think I like it that way. I will find him when I get out. I just feel like theres a reason he saved me.