H.O.P.E. ~ Brallon

Dallon: S.M.U.T.

I didn't wake up till 1:00 pm. Brendon wasn't in bed so I'm guessing that he let me sleep in.

I lazily roll out of bed. I pull on a pair of sweat pants and a plain white t-shirt.

I walk into the bathroom. I shield my eyes from the light to give them time to adjust.

I look and myself in the mirror. I hate how I look. My neck is covered in bandages. How could I do that to myself.

I slowly remove the band aids one at a time. Once they are all off I stare at my reflection.

I have about seven scabs running up and down my neck. I feel so disgusting. I'm disgusted in myself. I think I'm going to be sick.

I kneel down in front of the toilet. Nothing is coming up. I feel so sick. I'm crying as I'm pressed up
Against the toilet.

That's when I feel it. The
Barf coming up the back of my throat.

I throw up into the toilet a couple times. I cough and start dry heaving.

I suddenly feel a hand on my back. "How did you do it?" I ask.

"Do what?" Brendon asks. "You were in and out of the hospital your whole life. How did you stop?" I ask.

"I didn't stop," Brendon says, "It never goes away. You just have to learn how to live with it so that it doesn't kill you."

"How do you learn to live with it?" I ask. "It's different for everyone babe," Brendon pauses, "for me it was you.

Somebody told me that If I would have died then the guy who, who rapes me," Brendon pauses.

I can feel the pain he's going through trying to explain it with out breaking down. I don't see how he does it though.

Brendon continues, "The guy who raped me would have won. I was told that I should thank you. Now everyday I remind myself of things that wouldn't have happened if you didn't save me.

I use that to motivate me to keep trying," Brendon says. "What happened?" I asked.

"What do you mean what happened?" Brendon asks. "Well for me it all started when I told my parents that I felt like a guy. What made you want to die so badly?" I ask.

Brendon laughs. "Nothing happened. I had a great childhood. It was the chemical imbalance in my brain," Brendon says,

"One day I just started think about death. Well not just thinking. I was fantasizing about death. It wasn't until I started attempting that I developed depression.

Everyone hated me. They thought I was crazy and that I couldn't be cured. I guess they where wrong."

Brendon helps me up off the floor. I brush my teeth then follow Brendon into the kitchen.

"If your thoughts ever get bad again let me know," I tell Brendon, "I will still save your life whether you want me to or not."

Brendon laughs, "That's a deal. Now what does
My fiancé want for breakfast?"

I told Brendon that all I wanted was cereal but he insisted on making me waffles and sausages.

I sit at the counter watching Brendon cook for me. Well I watch his ass more than anything. He wears his pajama pants so low that I can see his v-line when he faces me.

"Have I ever told you how sexy you are?" I ask. Brendon giggles. I see him start to blush.

He turns around. "This is also an amazing view," I laugh. "Shut up or else I'm not making you any breakfast," Brendon giggles.