H.O.P.E. ~ Brallon

Dallon: D.Y.S.P.H.O.R.I.A.

It doesn't feel real. Some nights I can't stop think about the fact that I found someone.

I found someone who loves me for me. They don't care that I was born a female. They don't care that I have mental health issues.

I found somebody who is my best friend. Someone that I can laugh and make jokes with. Someone that looks way out of my league but would choose me over the hottest person in the room.

Brendon makes me feel like a man. I feel so confident and happy around him. I can't believe this guy actually wants to marry me.

Then there are nights that I remember every single thing that people have done to me or told me.

I remember the look of disgust in my parents eyes when I told them I felt like I was a guy born into a girls body.

I remember all of the freezing cold nights of sleeping on the street.

I remember getting picked up off the street and being drugged up and locked in the room of that house.

I remember the touch of every disgusting pig that ever laid their hands on me.

I remember crying for help. I never wanted to look at myself.
I felt disgusting and the older I got the more female I started looking.

I remember every time someone would misgender me. My dysphoria would get so bad.

I also started developing OCD around that time. If I didn't do things in a certain order I wouldn't be able to function properly.

I remember the feeling in my heart as it broke while seeing my first love leave me for a reason I never knew.

There had to have been something wrong with me. What was it this time. What did I not have that he needed.

But, out of everything that has happened to me him telling everyone I was a girl hurt the worst.

I know he takes it back. He does everything in his power to show and prove to me that he didn't mean it.

I believe him.

But it was days like today that remind me of what he did.

We were at Subway. The cashier was a fan. She was talking to Brendon and taking his order then looked at me.

Her face went blank of all emotions. She asked, "Now what would you like ma'am?"

Brendon got so pissed off at her. He talked to her manager  and got her fired. We got our food and he didn't pay.

He tweeted about trans people.

He let his fans know that I doesn't matter what body parts you were born with. If you think you're a male then you're a male. If you think you're a female then you're a female. If you think you're a lamp then you are a fucking lamp. If you walk up to me saying you are a fan then you better treat my fiancé with respect. He is more of a man than most guys I know. With that being said I STRONGLY recommend that you guys never go to Subway EVER again.

I know he's trying his hardest to fix his mistake. But, that doesn't mean I don't still get dysphoria.

I can't sleep. I'm in the bathroom crying and hyperventilating. I can't breathe.

I feel like I am being choked. Why was I born a female. Why can't I be normal and just be okay with the body that I'm in.

I look at myself in the mirror and I can point out every single feminine feature on my body.

I just want out of this body. I can't breathe. I can't fucking breathe. I'm clawing at my neck hoping that I can scratch off the hands choking me.

Brendon wakes up. He walks into the bathroom and finds me in the corners clawing at my neck and crying.

"I-I c-c-can't b-b-breathe-eathe," I cry. Brendon rushes over to me. He grabs my hands and tells me to stop. "You're bleeding baby. Please stop doing that," Brendon says.

His eyes are getting watery. He hugs me. "Let's get you cleaned up. O-Okay?"

I nod. He bring a soapy wash cloth over and starts cleaning the blood off my neck.

Next he starts cleaning my hands. He goes to roll up my sleeves but I freak out and try to stop him.

Brendon stares at me. His eyes showing sadness. I hate making him feel like this. I look down at my sleeves then back up at him.

I nod my head. Brendon rolls up my sleeves to reveal the multiple scars covering my arms.

Brendon gasped, "When did you do that Dal?" I look down. I can't tell him. I can't tell him he's the reason I cut.

I start to cry again, "I-I di-did," I pause because I can't stop crying long enough to form words.

I let it all out before speaking again. Brendon is holding my shaking body.

The warmth of his body starts to calm me down. "I," I begin, "I did it during the tour when I found out you left me for Sarah."

Now it's Brendon's turn to cry. "I'm so sorry," he apologizes, "I'm so stupid. I was just scared and up set that I-I didn't want to hear that what I thought was true. 

If I knew I had pushed you to this point I would've never done it."

"I know Brenny. I know you never intended on doing that. I know you were scared. I did the same thing with Breezy. But, she was smart enough to know that it was you that I wanted," I say.

"How did you and Breezy even meet," Brendon asked.

I think back to the first day I met Breezy. Then I realized, "Breezy saw that, that I h-had blood on my sleeves. She's the one who helped me stop," I say.

"I think I like Breezy a lot more now," Brendon laughs.

"Don't cheat on me with her Brenny," I laugh.

Now we are both laughing. I think we've reached the point that we can start joking about our past year.

You can't move past something until you can learn how to laugh at it. After a while Brendon finishes cleaning me up and bandaging my neck.

He helps me up and we walk back to bed together. It's already 4 am but, it's not like we have anything planned for today so we go back to bed to make up for the sleep we lost.

As long as I have Brendon by my side I think I'll be able to make it through anything.