Love

Here goes blind faith

-2

I usually drive. Shelby's always preferred being a passenger, just along for the ride as he gazes at the world as it flies by. Which works fine because I quite enjoy driving. It helps me forget about the things I must not think about, as most things I enjoy do to one extent or another, but driving helps the most with my head space. It's my serenity, something safe that I can control that requires focus. I looked over at Shelby smiling at his blur of London landscape listening to whatever was blaring from the radio.

The car had a orange copper paint that seemed to reflect any little bit of light that touches it. It's small and square with big buggy headlights. The cream colored seats have a velvet texture, the dash and steering wheel are a dark tan leather. She's unique alright, a frankinstine eyesoar, but I like her.

"And you're sure you wanna go, not turning after this so last chance."

"I want to go Arice, I want us to have kids. And I think adoption is the best way to achieve that. There's too many children with no one to be there."

"I know and you know I agree with you I was just saying if you're not ready we can wait."

"Is that want you want?" Shelby asked.

"I don't know- I mean kids is a two person decision and we both want them so yes I want kids and as we know we are financially ready. I mean we have a good house, good jobs that we enjoy, we could have done a lot worse, we're definitely lucky Shelby- but are we really ready? Or more so am I?" I asked.

"What's the matter Arice?" He asked slipping his hand into one of mine gently.

I pulled over turning off the engine, and just sat quietly staring at the shiney leather steering wheel. Shelby switched off the radio making the whole car quiet, I swear I could smell the tension building in the air. A deep, sour, musty smell. One that fills your airways and overpowers your senses, making it hard to focus and hard to breath.

He just sat there waiting, I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he got more and more concerned waiting for me to say something, anything. But how do I say what I want without it coming out wrong or without me messing it up? How do I say I won't be a good dad? After convincing myself it would be ok and wouldn't end like before... the past is finally hitting back, telling me I'm being foolish, stupid, ridiculous. But how do I tell my husband, the love of my life that we can't have a family because I will screw it up one way or another. I gripped his hand then let go.

"I don't- I don't know if I can do it Shelby," I finally said.

"Do what?"

I signed knowing that I couldn't just start the car back up and go back home without saying anything even though I wish I could. Wouldn't it be grand if life worked that way? If you could just pretend something you regret didn't happen and go back to what was ok? Rewind. But that wouldn't be life would it? It would be nothing, you wouldn't learn anything or have moments that you once hated then grew to love the memories for letting you learn and grow, let you build the difference between good and bad for yourself, giving you boundaries, opinions, and values. You would be trapped inside a box of comfort. And like a great man said, life dosn't start if a comfort zone, it start's at the end of it. You would but a cower always running away at those feeling we all hate to confront or anyone who caused them. And that is not life, and it is not healthy for any human being to 'live' that way. So I know I have to tell him and that I have talk to him, I mean he's my husband.

"I don't know if I can be a dad Shelby."

He remained silent so I continued, "Shelby you know my past. You know all of it because we both agreed no secrets would be kept. You know when I came out as gay when I was 16 my family didn't talk to me at all. Like completely ignoring it, ignoring me, would magically 'cure the gay away'. And when that continued to have no results, on my 18th birthday my father being the man my father is and a army general, drafted me to knock the gay out of me. He arranged a marriage which I was in when the army refused to take me because I didn't past training and they found out my father was forcing me. And me and my wife had a son that I left to actually join the army by choice. I still can't tell you if that was really for me or to spite my father. But either way I left my three years old and his mother while she was pregnant alone. Then I got the letter that she died in child labor a few weeks later. It was too late for me to go back because I had already being shipped away and if I tried to leave I would be arrested for going A.W.O.L and even if I was okay with that how would I get back home anyways. So if they didn't die from no one being there for them I have two kids out there somewhere... I failed at being a father then so what's to say I'm not going to screw it up again?"

"You won't. Arice you won't screw it up."

"Yeah? I'd like to see your proof on that statement love because from my angle it's blind faith."

"Love my proof is you and knowing how great of a man you are. How great of a person you are. That was the past, you tried to find them for 2 years when you were finally out of the army. And you not being able to most likely means there names were changed and they have loving families of their own."

"That doesn't mean anything, it doesn't change the fact that I wasn't there for either of my kids. The child I never met and the son I was there for for only 3 years of his life, how's that for a sob story? And hell Shelby how's that for a story to tell a set of kids that we adopt, just go 'hey yah I had a wife and 2 kids that I left and I didn't really know either of the kids, but I definitely won't do that to you"

Shelby didn't know what or how to reply so we just sat there, neither of us said anything. We didn't even move. It was like we were lifeless. After about 5 minutes I couldn't take it anymore. I unbuckled and when outside sitting down on the curb, not bothering to shut the car door. I heard the shuffle of Shelby's feet against the gravel as he walked over and sat on the curb next to me blankly staring at the cars swiftly moving by in there straight lines with even spacing.

"I just don't know how I'm supposed to do it Shelby. When I look at the facts it just seems the odds are against me," I said.

"Sometimes you have to ignore the facts and blur the focus to read inbetween the lines."

"Is this gonna be another one of your head versus heart talks?"

"Ahh love you know me too well."

"Oh my god," I said starting to laugh.

"But anyway, as I've told you-

"Over and over and over and probably about a hundred times over, yes," I cut in with a smirk.

"Well if you're so tired of um maybe listen to one and take the advice, till then you're gonna hear um now can I start or does the peanut gallery have more input?"

"Alright, alright, go ahead and start your preach to the choir minister, I'm listening."

"Good. Now as I've told you many times before you're more of a head person, it's just part of who you are and as you know it's not a bad thing. But sometimes you completely block away anything your heart has to say because you get afraid, you get afraid of your feelings and we both know the reasoning behind it but you have to learn to tell yourself that you're just a human like the rest of us and it's ok for you to not be ok 24/7. Because those are the most shutout feelings with you, the bad ones."

"You're right and I know that I tend to shutout, as you said, the bad feelings and I'll try to, no promises, be try to let go a little."

"And as far as the kids go Arice we can hold it off till you're ready and if that doesn't happen it's fine, either way your stuck with me til the end pal."

"Seems like the tables have switched from this morning."

"Yeah, yeah it does."

We sat there for a little, I layed my head on Shelby's shoulder continuing to watch the cars. I spinned the keys in my hand and caught them in my palm.

"We should hit the road, if we were going to be off my late before, god knows what we are now," I said.

"What?" Shelby asked puzzled.

"I want to do it Shelby, if you can muster up the courage to go against everything telling you no, go against all the odds you see, so can I. And I know that I won't be doing this alone, we're in this together through the thick and thin, and let's face it you've always been my rock."

"Have I ever told you how much I love you."

"Yes I think you've mentioned it."

He smiled and gave me a quick kiss. Both of us stood up and got in the car starting it back up, the engine rubbing like dry ice on metal.

Here goes blind faith.