The one she thought was lost

Chapter 26

Regina had been ignoring him, again. But ever since they'd kissed, again, she hadn't been able to get Robin out of her mind. And it scared the hell out of her. She had only felt like this once before, and the man she'd felt it for was dead.
So she wasn't prepared for this, for these feelings. She wasn't prepared for how amazing it would feel to kiss him. She wasn't prepared to feel her skin tingling every time his skin touched hers or for the way her stomach turned every time she caught him staring at her. And she sure as hell wasn't prepared for the way she'd feel when she saw him fall to the ground during the fight with the group of flying monkeys that had attacked them.

Two days earlier:
Regina was confused and her feelings were all over the place. She had gotten her daughter back and had kissed Robin again all in one day and it was to much. Her happiness over getting her daughter back was clouded by her anger at Snow and Charming. Her sadness over losing Henry still present and he feelings that had taken a hold of her ever since she'd kissed Robin again weren't helping one bit.
So she ignored him and all of his attemps to talk to her and spend all of her time catching up with Daniella. And when Daniella went to see Lucas (she still didn't feel comfortable about the fact that the two of them were together) or Robin and Roland, she searched for a way to defeat Zelena, who had been very quiet since they had rescued Daniella. Regina didn't like it one bit.
Which was what Regina was doing right now, sitting in the library, looking through some old spellbooks.
Zelena was planning something and she didn't know what. She was getting anxious, not knowing what her sister was going to do and thus not being able to control the situation.
She had just grabbed one of her mother's old spellbooks when she heard the doors open. Regina frowned and looked up, only to look back down one moment later as she saw Robin's figure coming towards her. She inwardly grimaced. She was not ready to see him, not after what had happened just three days ago and yet he seemed to disagree.
"You've been avoiding me", he stated as a greeting and Regina's jaw tightened.
"I've been busy', she bit back, her eyes still on the book she had been reading," trying to catch up with my daughter."
"And I get that, but everytime I try to talk to you, you just walk or poof away before I can!" Regina could hear the frustration and hurt in his voice and tried to ignore the feeling she got because of it. She pushed it away and looked up. "What if I don't want to talk to you?", Regina said back, her own frustration showing, hoping that he would just turn around and walk away. But being the stubborn man that he is, he didn't back down.
"Well, you're going to have to, because I'm getting sick of you pushing me away everytime I get close. We kissed at the ball, then didn't talk about it, which I get because Daniella was kidnapped. But then we kiss again and we don't talk about, again! If you don't want anything to do with me, just tell me, Regina!", he said stepping closer until the only thing she could focus on was him,"Look me in the eyes and tell me that kiss didn't mean anything, that I don't mean anything to you. You tell me that, I'll leave you alone. Just tell me, Regina."
Regina couldn't breathe. Her mind was reeling, she couldn't think properly. Why did he have to stand so close to her? He was so close, she wanted to kiss him again, so badly. She wanted to feel his lips on hers again. She wanted to feel his hand run through her hair again. God, she wanted him to love her.
Reality crashed upon her as her mind sobered because of that last thought. Love? She didn't love him, did she? She couldn't love him, she couldn't love anyone, beside her children. It was too much.
Fear and pain took a hold of her as she looked at his face, taking everything in. Tears welling up in her eyes as she prepared herself to tell him what needed to be said to keep him safe, because loving her was dangerous. As much as she wanted him to wrap his arms around her and hold her forever, she knew he couldn't. Because he would get hurt because of her. She'd loved Daniel and he died, she couldn't go through it a second time. Not with Robin. She wasn't strong enough.
So she gathered her strength she did the only thing she could do, she pulled back, stepping away from him. God, she hated the way he looked at her when she did that. The hope that had been in his eyes a minute before fading away, being replaced by pain and realisation, even before she had said the words and it almost stopped her from saying them. But it had to be done. Nobody could love her.
She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She couldn't do it, not while looking into his eyes. 'You have to, Regina. Just do it.', she told herself. She cleared her throat and tried again.
"It...it didn't mean anything", she said, her voice cracking,"you don't mean anything to me. The kiss was a mistake, one that will never happen again." The moment she uttered those words to him, regret, pain and heartbreak filled her entire being, almost pulling her down.
Robin didn't notice, the utter heartbreak that she saw in his eyes telling her he believed what she said and Regina tried to ignore the little voice in her head that screamed that doing this was wrong.
The heartbreak, however, was only there for a few seconds, being replaced by a mask of indifference and Regina didn't know what hurt more; the fact that she had just broked his heart and hers in the process, or the fact he tried to cover it up. She could practically feel the walls being pulled up around him, distancing himself from her.
Regina squeezed her hands into fists, trying to remain composed, but the pain was overwhelming. It wouldn't take long before she'd break and she needed him out of the room or she would start begging him not to go. That she didn't mean what she said, that she loved him.
But she needn't worry. With a quiet, but cold 'That's good to know. Goodbye, Your Majesty', that send a wave of pain through that almost made her gasp, he left the room, slamming the door behind him.
And the moment he did, the moment he walked away from her, the dam broke. Tears streamed down her face as knees gave away, not having the strength to keep her up anymore. Regina fell down, her hand in front of her mouth as she tried to stop crying.
"I love you, please come back", she sobbed as she hugged herself, the words coming out without her realising it.
"What have I done? God, what have I done?" She longed for Robin to just come back and wrap his arms around her. The realisation that he would never do it again, that she would never feel his arms around her again, made her claw at her chest because of the pain. Her heart wouldn't stop squeezing painfully, it just wouldn't stop hurting.
"I can't do this, I can't..." She put her hand into her chest and grabbed her heart, pulling it out. Taking a few deep breaths to calm herself, she held her heart in front of her face, the organ still beating despite everything it had indured. Though Regina wasn't sure how much more it could take.
With a sigh, she put it back in her chest, gasping as all her emotions came back full force and let the tears that had been gathering in her eyes escape.