Fight for You

| Twenty |

2011

Have you ever had a dream that resembled real life so much you had to pinch yourself to check if you were awake? Or experienced something in real life that resembled a dream you assumed you really were in a dream?

The latter is exactly how I could describe the events of the last two days. Waking up on Friday morning, my mind was going over details of the upcoming meeting and Finn being away with Mandy and for the conference. Nothing in my train of thought was related to Muse-Less in the slightest.

Our interactions during the last year had varied in intensity and I'd been so grateful for the input and support I had from Muse-Less. He had encouraged me through a difficult time in my life. A period during which I didn't know myself. I was so self-absorbed and consumed by a darkness that I wasn't able to voice to anyone around me.

One particularly onerous morning, I didn't want to open my eyes. Finn had left early leaving me alone in our eerily quiet house. His side of the bed had gone cold hours earlier from the absence of his body's warmth. I felt like I was drowning. Aboard a ship that continuously sprung leaks in its hull. I was bailing out the water with a sieve as more leaks appeared all around me. The ocean was filled with ferocious creatures ready to devour me the instant my body hit the water. I wanted to save myself but I'd forgotten how to swim and had no life raft or rescue chopper in sight. A notification pinging on my phone broke me from my thoughts and I internally prayed for it to be Muse-Less. Without consciously realising, I'd begun to depend on him to help me survive. His intermittent contact, while not physical, gave me hope that someone close to me might cotton on to my behaviour and help pull me out. If he, from so far away and without knowing me in person, could see that something with me wasn't quite right then surely people constantly around me could figure it out.

That wasn't the case. No one picked up on my withdrawal from everyday life. My absence from social gatherings went seemingly unnoticed and their lives carried on as mine stalled. This new feeling consuming me was so foreign to me that I didn't know how to shake it. When I read the message from Muse-Less, I broke for the first time in a very long time.

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Hi Whitney,

I've been wondering how you are. I've not heard from you for a while.

Muse
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How did he know that it was that precise moment that I needed someone the most?

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I'm tired, despondent and I feel so incredibly defeated.

Whitney
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Whitney, I'll be honest with you - I'm worried for you.
You've been extremely dark for some time now and I don't think the way you're feeling is healthy.
I think you need to seek help, professional help.
Muse
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Like a punch in the gut, a slap in the face, he had held a mirror to my fear and shown me exactly what I needed to see. Professional help. I knew what he meant, therapy, medical attention. I'd been there before.
When my parents died I'd been sent to therapy to help me to cope with the loss. I suppose I was meant to open up about my feelings and how the events of what had happened had affected me but that never happened. I was closed off and so too were the emotions related to all that had been. Locked away in a box deep down I stashed it all in hopes it would never resurface. I dealt with it in my own way and refused to let others in.

It worked for me then but it wasn't working for me now. I needed help, a saviour and Muse-Less' hand was outstretched for me.

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I see that now, but I don't know how. I'm afraid.
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Afraid of what? Getting better?
Don't be. That is the hardest part, Whitney. Taking a leap of faith.
This isn't something you can solve alone, not this time.
Let someone in, seek help and find your passions again.
Don't let life go by without you.
Muse
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That was exactly what I needed. A shove off the cliff I'd be dangling from. I'd not been brave enough to launch myself off and needed a strong push in the right direction, over into the unknown, unsure if I'd resurface alive.

I did.

I came out the other side of the darkness, squinting into the brightness of a better day. It didn't happen overnight or within a few days, it was weeks before I felt like myself again and able to face the world but it happened. Opening up to Finn about it was the hardest but once I'd admitted my struggle, he was there with me, encouraging and helping me through. My fear of judgement, in hindsight, had been incredibly irrational and acceptance was easier than I ever expected.

My illness didn't define me, nor was it who I was. It will always be a part of my past, as will so many of my other defining moments. What I take away from it is what matters more to me than why or how I came to be in that frame of mind.

Through finding myself, I learnt that I'm never truly alone, that someone is always looking out for me. I also learnt how important I am to me. My life is not for the purpose of others, it is for me and my happiness is dependent on me and what I need. The most important thing I learnt about myself, was my strength. I've survived 100% of my worst days and though I may fall, I will always rise.

How to thank Muse-Less was something I struggled with. How could I thank the man that helped save me from myself?