𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄 ── CASPER McFADDEN

𝐕𝐈. 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐒𝐄

"the most important thing is to enjoy you life - to be happy - it's all that matters," — Audrey Hepburn

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I DIDN'T SAY ONE word while I ate my dinner, Casper's uncles would yap away to my Mother complaining that I needed some sort of help that included therapy. A meal made by Casper and my Mother sat in front of me. A range of vegetables and slices neatly cut of chicken, salad, along with gravy and a glass chalice of water. Casper was just looking at me. I was looking back. He probably could see the way I was acting but I don't care, he has so much to look forward to tomorrow when he sees Kat. Just he had forgotten what tomorrow was, it sort of worried me and I knew I had to sacrifice tomorrow. In ways that he couldn't see.

"So May, you mentioned that someone was coming to dinner, Tomorrow?" My mother asks me, cutting her chicken into slices and making eye contact. "Ugh, yes of course." Just now I had to make my decision, The festival or Casper, The festival was about Casper and I didn't have a date. Just Abby said we'd go together because she didn't have a date either. Just I think Casper would want me here. But I think I could just go to the festival later. "Just this isn't exactly my guest, it's for Casper." I continue with a smile, "And she will be here tomorrow for dinner." I take a sip of my water, "but she might come earlier."

"What are you up too?" Casper asks smiling, rather surprised, just in his eyes, I could see he knew who it was. "You'll see," I smirk trying to act surprised about it myself but it hurt me like always that just could never be her, be what Casper wanted and needed. "Just I'll only be here for tea, I'm going to the festival." Casper's smile saddens, "Okay. Just I thought you'd stay the whole night." He actually looks sad, I wasn't expecting this. "I go every year, I used to go with dad and my mum," I say truthfully.

"What's so special about it anyway?" He asks, sighing, showing defeat that he couldn't stop me. "It's about a boy called Casper McFadden," I say, avoiding my mother's eyes. Her stare was poisonous and if looks could kill, well then I guess I'd become a ghost. Casper's uncles glare was also rather disappointed, they sat across from me, as I was sitting next to her. They would chew in tune and their food would end up on the floor, Splattering.

Casper looks at me, his eyes soften, rather hurt. He gives me a small smile nevertheless, just it hurt me to see the sadness in his eyes. He floats up then, rushing out of the room. "Do you guys know where he went?" I ask his three uncles. They had known him all his life and afterlife. "Lighthouse." I wasn't sure who said it but I understood what they meant. I excuse myself and rush to see him. Casper's words echoed in my head, "I go to the lighthouse every night. The crashing of the waves helps me think." I jump skipping the steps rushing towards the path towards the lighthouse. "It's gonna take me forever." I whisper, following the uneven dirt path rather similar to the path that lines along towards the tree commonly known by Casper, 'The Lake Tree.'

The path towards the lighthouse was lined with bushes of yellow roses. And I didn't bring a torch. Good one! The smell of grass, roses and the salty sea fill my nostrils. My eyes dart to the light house, the light blinds me for a second as I rise higher among the stone steps. I gaze at the red door, it's Hinges are rusty with age. I kick the door that opens with a loud bang. I climb higher and higher, wishing I had brought a torch with me. I stop at the very top, my hands gripping the metal ladder, one step higher to the person who I gladly call my closest and my most valuable friend.

I stop myself from moving, for a moment I regret coming. Just one thought I manage to think, He still cares about her, doesn't he? I refrain myself and pull the latch which sends the bitter wind through my hair. My light brown locks dangle in the wind. All I manage to mutter was, "Casper?" The stars shine, as the waves crash against the rocks in a repetitive and soothing motion that could lull anyone to sleep. "What! Do you want?! Just please leave me alone!" He growls, with the wind. The stars provide me with an answer.

"No, I'll make it up to you. I won't go." I say slow and steady, carefully balancing towards Casper. "Please go, to that party you want to go. I can't stop you." He says softly, avoiding my eyes. "Casper, I suppose you should know. I suppose I should be honest." I say, almost crying.

His eyes and face filled with confusion, which gives me the opportunity to continue. The words escape my lips. "My dad died of cancer, my mother would never tell me what type of cancer he had. He always made me promise that I wouldn't forget those who died. He told me that memories are the things that we keep in our hearts and the thing that keeps him with me. My great- great grandmother and her brother were your best friends. Amira and Thomas Clarence, they were twins. For generations, we go to the festival, for you."

"She passed away before my father when I was four and she told me stories about you although I sort of remember them after Grammy Amira passed dad told me them growing up. How you all would play pirates by the lake and would fish by the shores. You would go ride in your boat and climb our favourite tree." He smiles kindly, "I never knew you knew so much about me when I was alive." He jokes. "I still have some gaps, in my old life, but most of it is fluent."

"That's why I go and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being greedy and selfish. I shouldn't be. You need me and I should have realised how much I care for you. I can't lose you too." I say, looking away. "After all, I still owe you a dance." He says softly, changing the subject. I smile at our common joke. "Casper, I promise I'll always be there. Okay?"

"I know that. Just why did you call Kat?" He was once again serious. "Because you love her. I see the love in your eyes. I'm okay with that." I say, trying for many times in my life to be brave. "If you see the love in my eyes, it isn't for her. It's for someone else." He whispers, his eyes telling the truth. I see the truth in his eyes just like the first time we met. "Casper I-I can't, I can't be her. I'm not perfect like her. I'm just person, a girl."

"I'm a ghost." He looks into my eyes. "You're alive. You have the right to live." He was torn, a part of him wanting me to live and the other wanted me to stay forever and never leave. "You died so young, you never got to love, complete a bucket list, follow your dreams. You deserve to live Casper. You deserve to be truely happy more than anyone else I know." I say. "I'm sorry May, I'm sorry. I can't break your heart." He turns to me as he floats away, leaving me alone. Then he was gone. He had just broken my heart. The one thing he didn't want to do. Tears flooded my cheeks, I just sat there looking out into the ocean. It reminded me of Casper's eyes and it made me cry harder.

I can't give up. Not now. I'm not losing anyone else, I care about. I smile flickering through the memories of my Dad. Then my mind drifted off to Casper. I sing the gentle melody that the lullaby that the whole town knows.

"The bed you sleep in,
The wind by the window,
The way it calls you to the rocky shore,
The crashing of the waves,
The sand in your feet,
The whisper in the trees,
The stars shine bright over your head,
The round glimmering moon,
The old lighthouse by the rocky cliff,
A book in hand,
The bird calls,
Which tells you,
That your home."

I manage to calm myself down and gaze at the stars for what feels like forever. I debate going back, I couldn't.

— Edited: 24/08/2019