lost and found {stenbrough} COMPLETED

nine

nightmares. they took stanleys best experiences, twisted them, and transformed them into a living hell. his mind had already drained so much out of him, and these nightmares did even more damage. they left stanley panicked, confused, and upset. he was tired of waking up, crying and shaking. he wanted to be okay. he genuinely feared abandonment and being unwanted, but it was what he associated with love. he knew it was morbid, but he couldn't help it. if that's what you grew up surrounded by, being taught it was love, how else would you identify it?

stanley had been struggling with these nightmares the whole week he had been in the hospital. things were perfectly fine with bill, even getting better, but the dreams just kept getting worse. he wouldn't tell his doctor of these nightmares, as he knew they weren't important. he wouldn't even tell bill, in fear of upsetting him over something that didn't he didn't need to worry about. they left stanley drained, now beginning to stay up and drift off during the day. they took so much energy out of him, and sent him back into his depression. he stopped going to most of his groups, only going for the purpose of seeing bill. that was what kept him sane, or as sane as he could get in a mental hospital.

stanley, at this particular moment, was dozing off while reading the last few pages of his bird book. he wanted to finish it, but he didn't have any other books and he knew he didn't have anyone to bring another in for him.

he had a few minutes until showers, not worrying about not knowing the time. someone would come tell him it was time to, as they had done the few days before.

he dozed off once again, waking up to a nurse knocking on the door. it was opened, ms. ellen standing behind it.

"time for showers, stanley." she spoke, glumly.

she was one of the only nurses that showed she genuinely cared about the patients, but stanley felt as if she had given up on him for the time being. no one really could pull him out of this, except for bill.

stanley made his way to his shower, not rushing this time. he wanted to see bill, but he didn't have the energy to rush as usual.

he finished, sliding on sweatpants and a t shirt and walking to get his laundry. he didn't even ask this time, he just went straight to the laundry room.

he entered, to find the room empty. all he wanted was to see bill, and he felt his mood fall even more.

he started on his laundry, hoping bill would make his way in and he would be able to talk to him.

he missed bill.

he was surprised as he felt arms snake around his waist.

he turned to find bill, then wrapping his arms around the frail boy.

they stood like this for a few seconds, stanleys head buried into his neck.

they pulled apart, fingers intertwined.

"stan, y-you need to start coming t-to groups. you n-need to eat." genuine concern showing on his face.

stanley nodded, not wanting to discuss it.

"i'm s-s-serious, stan. i w-want you t-to get better. the groups r-really do help."

stanley felt bills hand on his cheek, looking into his eyes.

they pulled apart as they heard the door open, returning to their laundry.

"relax, homos. it's just me." richie spoke, making his way to the dryer and pulling his clothes out, not even bothering to fold them.

the boys became flustered, smiling at each other.

"don't have too much fun." richie said, winking as he walked out.

the boys began laughing, bill helping stanley put his clothes into the machine.

"have y-you th-thought about what r-richie said the other day?"

"what about?"

"a-about, um.." bill trailed off.

"being gay?"

"y-yeah."

this question scared stanley. he knew he didn't exactly have to worry about his family anymore, but the question still terrified him. he wasn't very strong in his faith, but this belief still stuck with him. he could never hate anyone for being gay, but when it came to himself, he automatically felt ashamed. he didn't want to date girls. he didn't want to kiss girls. he didn't want to say he wanted to kiss boys, but the only person he'd ever wanted to kiss was bill. he tried to convince himself it was just bill, but he didn't even know if that was true anymore. he knew he couldn't change it, but the thought of being gay terrified him because of his faith. it terrified him because of his parents. because of how others would treat him. because richie was in the hospital for who he loved.

"i don't know, bill..." stanley trailed off.

bills face fell, as it had been easier for him to begin accepting it, and he didn't really understand.

"if i-i ask y-you something, can y-you answer t-truthfully?"

the boy nodded, waiting for bill to continue.

"do y-you actually like m-me?" he asked, fear pulsing through him.

stanley looked up at the boy, his mouth going dry. he always told himself he didn't feel that way about bill, he just knew how bill made him feel. he liked that, but he never admitted his feelings towards bill. he knew the actual answer, but he couldn't bring himself to say it. he felt his heart pounding, waiting for him to speak, but he couldn't.

bill's eyes began to cloud up with tears, grabbing his basket and leaving the room. stanley tried to get him to stay, but he felt his heart breaking, along with bills.

bill knew how stanley made him feel, but he also knew how stanley made him feel, and it hurt that stanley didn't feel the same way. he knew he had only known him for a week, but he knew what he was feeling. stanley was the first person he had ever kissed, and he always knew that was supposed to be special. he thought it was special. he felt his eyes filling with tears, opening his door and not leaving for the rest of the night.

stanley knew he messed up. that was his chance, he wanted bill to know how important he was, but he couldn't bring himself to just say it. maybe stanley really was gay. he knew he needed to accept that if he really did like bill, but he didn't know how to. he knew the only person he could talk to about this was richie.

he entered the highs and lows group, hoping to see bill, but as he waited and waited, he never showed up. he couldn't pay attention to the group, and as the second person was sharing theirs, he couldn't stand being in that room anymore.

he stood up, and began walking out of the room. the staff protested, but he couldn't hear them. he couldn't do anything but think about the hurt he had caused. he shut his door behind him, sitting on his bed and letting the tears cloud his eyes and the thoughts fill his head.

//

shit i'm emo

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