LOVE TO HATE YOU

(NEW) REMAIN VERTICAL AT ALL TIMES...

When I got down to my car the next morning I found him leaning against it—Crap, I forgot about the leaning. I was going to have to tell him that, in my presence, he should remain vertical at all times.

"You didn't answer your phone last night," he said, still leaning. I wanted to kick his feet out from under him and see him tumble to the dirty floor in that expensive-looking, stupid suit—I hated his suits now. I hated those tattoos, those chocolaty eyes, chocolate is bad for you after all, and I hated that facial hair—I wanted to wax it off, slowly and painfully. Perhaps even pluck it, one at a time.

"Well I was busy," I said, trying to squeeze past him. But he was blocking my path to the door.

"Listen, about last night—"

I put my hand up. "I don't want to hear. It's okay, no need to explain. Really it's fine."

"Thing is—" he continued, still blocking my way. "I think you might have misinterpreted things."

I edged away from him and walked around the front of my car, but he went around the back and beat me to the door.

I sighed. "I don't think there was any misinterpreting, Ben."

"There was. I didn't have another woman in there if that's what you think." He paused and suddenly looked guilty as hell. "Well...it was a woman, but it's not what you think...It's just...Just." He stopped talking and I was waiting for more. It didn't come.

"Just? Just? I'm glad we clarified that. I need to get to work." I started walking away.

"Please believe me. It wasn't like that. I know it doesn't make sense right now, but trust me."

"Trust you?" I scoffed. "Do you know how many times I've heard a man say 'trust me'?"

He gave me a strange look I couldn't really interpret—I hated that he could see how much this was getting to me.

"Look," I said calming down. "It's not just that, I did a lot of thinking last night and I came back to my original conclusion. I don't want to be in a relationship of any kind. I can't, and I have my reasons for that. And I also cannot do anything to jeopardize my job. You have no idea how much I need it. And sleeping with the boss is not exactly a good career move. So please, can we just forget everything that happened and keep it totally professional? Please..." I actually teared up—that's embarrassing.

"Sera—" he said, stepping closer to me.

"Stop," I said. "I'll see you at work." I pushed him out of the way of my car door and climbed in. I sat for a while as I watched him walk to his car. As soon as he got in, I turned the key and yes—you guessed it—it didn't start.

"Fuck!" I screamed as I hit the steering wheel. All the anger, frustration, hurt and jealousy came bubbling to the surface as I tried again and again and again, but nothing. To make matters worse, the man whore climbed out of his car and started walking towards me. I climbed out, humiliated.

"Can I take a look at it? I know a bit about cars." he asked.

"No thanks. I can take it to a mechanic."

"I don't think it's going anywhere. It sounds like the starter motor."

"Aren't you going to be late for work?" I said pointedly. "You don't want to set a bad example for your staff?"

"Come, I'll give you a lift."

"Not a chance, Ben! I am not—" I pointed. "NOT. Ever. Getting back into that car again."

"How will you get to work, then?"

"I'd rather walk."

I huffed and pulled my lap top bag onto my shoulder and started walking, of course that was just about the most childish thing I'd ever done in my entire life—but hey!

As soon as I got out of the gate and looked down the street, I realized that I would not be walking to the office, not today, not ever. And Ben's black car was hot on my heels, winding down its window.

"Just get in, Sera." He was sticking his head out the window.

I walked on stubbornly. "No."

"You can't walk to work."

"I can walk anywhere I God damn want to."

"It's 10 Miles... unless you're planning on jogging there?" there was a playful tone in his voice now which I did not appreciate.

"You're right. I can't." I swung around. "It's far too far. But I can always catch a taxi or wake JJ or Bruce up and ask them to take me."

"If you get in the car, I promise we don't have to say a word."

I stopped and looked at him considering it carefully. This was the easiest and most obvious choice or else I would be late for work.

"Not a word?" I asked.

"Not a word."

I climbed in reluctantly and kept my eyes in front of me without looking in his direction once. But he lied, because as soon as he had driven a little way, he started talking.

"Sera, there're some things in my life that are very complicated and messed up and I don't want to share them with you right now, but can't we just try and—"

I cut him off. "Ben. It's not about last night anymore. Last night actually has nothing to do with it anymore. There are so many reasons not to do this and they have nothing to do with whoever was in your place last night and whatever state of dress, or undress they were probably in." That last part had come out in the wrong tone and had a kind of angry, jealous edge to it that I really hadn't wanted it to have. "You have your secrets; I have mine. And trust me, if you knew what they were, you'd stay away."

"That's exactly how I feel, too," he suddenly said.

I looked at him, wondering what he was trying to imply—What secrets did he have?

"Well then we have that in common." I said.

"Please, Sera." He reached out for my leg and instead of smacking his hand away, I let him touch it. He squeezed my thigh and I bit my lip. Why was I letting him do this? This was torturous.

The car came to a stop and he turned and looked at me. I faced him and our eyes locked. I felt his hand travel further up my thigh and it came to rest where it really shouldn't have. His eyes widened and I slipped forward in my seat, pushing his hand to the place I shouldn't have let. Why was I doing this? Why couldn't I stop? I was so fucking angry with him and yet I still wanted him so badly on every physical level possible.

The loud honk of a horn behind us made up both jump, the traffic light was green and he pulled off. Reality came crashing in and I removed my hand.

"|What the fuck are we doing?" I pulled my skirt back down to my knee. "What the fuck?"

"Sera, there's something so strong between us, an attraction and a connection that can't be stopped. You and I both know we can't fight this anymore."

I looked down at my feet. Something was under one of them and I lifted it and there it was. Lying on the floor. A women's hairband. I bent over and picked it up. A long black hair was till attached to it.

"It's been severed Ben. It's been severed." I tossed the hair band over to him, turned in my seat and looked out the window for the duration of the drive. The conversation had ended, there was nothing he could say right now that would fix this.

It was over.