Hamilton Oneshots

The Sad Part (Lams)

Trigger Warning: Mentions of Self-Harm

John sighed as he ran his finger across old scars, years old in fact, he hadn't done it in years. He got help, he got better, but his skin would never be as smooth as it once was. The scars caused little bumps, that's how he'd describe it, each scar raised off of his arm enough to be noticed but not enough to be an actual bother. The scars were caused by John's own hand, he was the one who did it to himself and would blame no other. There were catalysts for the events that had John holding a weapon to himself but he knew to blame; himself.

Slowly he snapped out of it and pulled a hoodie on to hide the scars, shaking his head to rid it of the memories. He grabbed his Starbucks and headed out into the world, bouncing with each step. John used to see nothing in the world but now he saw everything, he saw so many things he wondered how he was so blind before. The colors clashing and molding together in a beautiful explosion and life was happening everywhere. How he thought life was meaningless and boring, he never knew.

He smiled and sipped his coffee, everything was as it was supposed to be until he heard a familiar voice that made him choke over his beverage and trip. He turned and made eye contact with his ex-boyfriend, "What did you just say?"

Alexander looked neutral, so very neutral, it kind of scared John,  "I said it stings in the shower and the sad part is that you know exactly what I'm talking about." He repeated, his eyes staying locked with John's as if he had any right to speak about it.

John shook his head, "Don't..." He moved his legs swiftly until he stood directly in front of Alex, "Don't pretend to know anything about me. Not after-not after what you've done." He wiped his eyes which threatened to spill over with his tears. He still loved Alex, he had always love Alex and he always would, but he knew when it was time to give up and focus on himself, focus on his own health instead of bending over backwards for somebody who wouldn't do the same for him.

Alex looked away and then back to John, "I know I...I really fucked up. Okay? Is that what you want to hear? Because I did. I know I die. You are one of the best things to happen to me so please...forgive me, John Laurens."

John shook his head and forced a scornful expression on his face, fighting his heart screaming at him to leap into Alex's arms and let him coddle, cuddle, and hold him. He had to ignore it, he had to push past it, he had to get past this. "You want to know something Angelica told me on that night?" John asked and Alex nodded to prompt him to continue, "She told me once a cheater always a cheater."

Alex's eyebrows went up and then back down as he shifted awkwardly and then looked away, biting the inside of his cheek. John closed his eyes to hide his tears, repeating Angelica's words in his head to remind himself he could never go back to Alex after what had happened. He tried not to remember but it was too easy to slip back into the days when he could call himself Alex's boyfriend.

John checked his phone for the time and smiled briefly at Alex, the picture set as his lock screen, 11:30 am he had just enough time. He hopped into his small, black, PT Cruiser and drove to the nearest Walmart with the smile still etched on his face. Today was the day, his and Alex's anniversary, they'd been together for years!

John parked his car and then hurried inside, heading to the jeweler's first and basically running up to the counter, "John Laurens, I ordered my ring a few months ago." He told the person behind the counter when he was at the front of the line, "The ring with turtles and a green gem." Today, he was going to propose.

Yeah, maybe he should wait, especially since his close friends make valid points about his relationship with Alex being toxic, but he really couldn't wait or he'd probably explode. John loved Alex and he knew Alex loved him, that's all that mattered to him.

He smiled wider when he saw the ring slid over to him and he swiped his credit card into the transaction reader, punching in his information and making sure he got the recipe before taking the ring. He then went into the store and to the school supplies section, finding the pens, pencils, and paper. He knew Alex was running short, as usual, so he wanted to pick some up to help out and be a good boyfriend.

After filling the cart almost to the brim with the supplies John got some chocolates and a new phone charger because he heard Alex complaining to Eliza about his being broken and again John wanted to help and be a good boyfriend. He nodded at his cart and went to the checkout, filling the conveyor with his goods as the cashier scanned them and the bagger bagged them.

"Going on a date?" The cashier asked looking at everything John had decided to buy.

John thought for a moment before shrugging, "You could say that." He told him, "It's our anniversary. I'm planning to propose today!" He smiled brighter than the sun as he remembered the prospect of marrying Alexander loomed closer.

When he got his goods he loaded them into his car before driving home. He and Alex shared a house, John wanted to surprise him today so he told Alex he couldn't get off work when he already had so he could show up and love on him. He was a bit confused when he saw another car in the driveway but he also knew Alex liked being social so he probably invited a friend over while he waited for John to get off work.

He parked and gathered his bags, stepping into the house and opening his mouth to call for Alex when he felt his heart stop and then shatter. Under Alex was a woman he'd never seen before, her hair curly and bountiful and her lips painted red, her legs wrapped around Alex as he made her make noises that he should only ever have John make, their clothes thrown around the room and Alex's mouth on her neck.

He dropped the bags with a thud making Alex look at him before throwing himself off of the woman after registering that John had arrived home early, "John it's not what it looks like I-I can explain!"

John didn't listen to that, he wanted to be angry but he could only be sad, upset, depressed, broken, hurt. He didn't blame the woman who was currently rubbing her head as Alex had accidentally made her hit the coffee table, it wasn't she who had cheated and broken John's trust, it was Alex. Silently but shakily John took the ring out of his pocket and handed it over to Alex, "Happy anniversary..."

John shook his head aggressively to rid it of the thoughts, of the memories, he tried to make his tears go away with them but they wouldn't. Even though he loved Alexander he knew he couldn't go back to him because he had betrayed his trust, betrayed him, betrayed their relationship, and there was no fixing it. He had to keep himself safe and that meant he couldn't let Alex slither back into his arms after opening them to another person while he still had John. Especially on their anniversary.

Alex looked at John's tears and cracked, he'd prefer Thomas Jefferson shooting him in the dick with a shotgun to John crying. He gave in, "I never stood a chance, did I?" He asked quietly, rubbing his arm.

"That's the sad part...you did once."