limerence.

𝙋𝙄𝘾𝙏𝙐𝙍𝙀 𝙋𝙀𝙍𝙁𝙀𝘾𝙏 𝙈𝙀𝙈𝙊𝙍𝙔.

I'm trying to look at the bigger picture, I'm trying to focus on later, but its so damn hard because right now in this moment all I can feel is the weight of everything pushing down on me. I'm trying to look at the future, I'm trying to find something to be excited about but its hard when I can't even figure out what the fuck I'm waking up for anymore.

I'm trying to find something to look forward to everyday that isn't going back to sleep. I'm trying to find something that has meaning that isn't another person because people are the reason I feel so damn lonely, so damn SAD. I can't even word what I want to say and you know I used to be so damn good at talking about my feelings. I used to be so damn good at expressing myself because i KNEW what I was feeling, I FELT it.

But now I feel so damn numb to everything like there is nothing to feel. There is nothing to be excited about, there is nothing to look forward too, in the end its all just routine. Your life is just a routine that you don't even choose.

I mean we talk about how we are in control of our own lives and our own happiness but thats not true. You have to be stupidly naive to think thats true because do you think people want to feel this damn shitty all the time? do you think people CHOOSE to be sad? Do you think people choose a boring office job. No. We have no choice in our life, we might be tricked into thinking we do because really it is our "choice" to go to university, to get a job, to choose a field, to have children. but is it really?

No. no. no. its not, we HAVE to do these things to survive. And once you realize how little control you really have in your own life and in the world and society, that type of thing can drive you crazy. God I wish I could go back to being stupidly naive. I wish I could go back to thinking that I'm living my life the way I want to live it.

I wish I could wake up every morning with a purpose. I wish i never started reading the news, I wish I didn't feel so damn guilty for my own sadness because at least I have a roof over my head, at least I have food to eat, at least i have something. Some people have NOTHING and is that really fair? Is it fair that people get cancer and die or that females on the other side of the world are married by age TWELVE and have children by 14 ? Is that okay? How do you go back to being happy after knowing that there is more bad in the world than there is good? How do you live with yourself knowing you are one of the lucky ones and you don't even appreciate it enough?

I don't know how to live knowing that everything is so terrible. I don't know how to look at a future that I'm not even sure I'll have. I use to drive the speed limit, used to stop at yellow lights, I used to look both ways when crossing the street, used to look for caution signs on everything and everyone, and now.. now I look for danger signs, now I sometimes cross red lights because I don't even realize its red.

and I'm not saying I want to die, I'm just saying I've become reckless with my life as if it means nothing because all I feel is nothing. I'm saying I need something to look forward to, I need a reason that overpowers all the bad in the world. I need a reason to get up in the morning.