Hold Me Back || Prinxiety

Chapter 4

(Virgil's POV)

Song - Memories: Panic! At The Disco

I wake up hours later in pure silence. Still slightly jittery from yesterday's panic attack, instead of walking around my surroundings, I take to looking. At first, I shift into a mode of pure panic, unable to recognize the room I'm in. After a few seconds, my mind catches up. This is my room. The room that haunts me, yet the room I can't bring myself to leave. This is the very place that triggers my panic attacks again and again. So claustrophobic.

I need to leave. Now. It's about time I leave this place, I think to myself as I struggle to move my sleeping legs, it's been months at least. Maybe I'll try to redesign my room, give it a more open feel.

What happened yesterday. I remember sinking into that inevitable attack and, after that... Nothing. All I can remember are flashes of red and white, and the smell of cologne?

I realize that I've passed through my door and am standing in the hallway. I never even realized I'd moved my feet. I can feel the familiar touch of anxiety reach my mind, but I push it away. I can't let myself waste away in my room any longer.

Reaching the kitchen, I realize I haven't even seen anyone yet. The clock points to 12:00 am... Surely they're not asleep at this time? Oh well, I don't really want to deal with them right now anyway. Not when I'm still so fragile. I know if I see any one of them, I'd probably run back into my room. Lose the progress I've made.

The first step in leading a normal life is eating. I need to leave those days behind. The days of not eating. The days of the cutting. Reaching my hands slowly to the open bread on the table, I eye the room for toppings. I don't really want to begin rooting through the cupboard in case I draw attention to myself.

I can do this I think as I pull the bread to my mouth. I have a strange feeling that I'm being watched, making my anxiety slowly grow, but I ignore it. As I taste the foreign flavour and texture of the bread, inhale the fresh, wheaty scent, I take in my surroundings. The Common Room has changed quite a bit since I was last here. They're right, I really don't do anything around here. They do fine, if not better without me. I can see bits of Roman, Patton and even Logic in the room decor, but nothing of me. It's like I don't even live here.

The feeling of total isolation mixed with the strange sensations of eating real food for the first time in ages immediately makes me lose my appetite, and I hurl all the bread out onto the sink. Just as I resister what I've done, I hear the sound of voices near the entrance.

Deciding to clean it up later, I silently retreat back down the hall. I open the first door I see, desperate to escape the room. Sinking into the bed I close my eyes, thinking the same thought until I fall asleep.

'I'm not the bad guy, I'm not the bad guy...'