Hold Me Back || Prinxiety

Chapter 6

(Virgil's POV) 

Song - Demons: Imagine Dragons

*Trigger warning*

In my dream, I am surrounded by darkness. A darkness I've never experienced in my life. A darkness so chaotic yet so calming it goes against my entire being. Usually, my dreams are never comforting, usually, they completely overwhelm me with feelings of loneliness. The darkness is never good; not like it is today. Sometimes my dreams get so bad, I pray to be woken up by one of the other sides screaming at me. Their hate is tolerable compared to the isolation of my inescapable dreams.

But this time the darkness is different. It's like the usual chaos of my dream is being controlled by another force, one with good intentions. The darkness in my mind doesn't like that, and I can sense it climbing into my mind. The deeper it goes, I know the harder it will be for me to wake up, so I focus on the good presence. The comfort it gives me reminds me of my last panic attack. There was something, somebody there to help me. I remember hearing the person say my name, and how just thinking about that helped me through the attack. But who was it that helped me those few days ago? I rack my brains, trying to remember what happened after that. The only thing I can make out is red and gold... red and gold. 

Was it Roman? There's no way. He hates me, I'm sure of it. He could never feel the same way I feel towards him, could he? 

I remember now. After I came out of the attack, I saw him. He saw me. He knows about my attacks. What were those emotions in his brown eyes? Sadness or disgust? Oh God. He was the one that put me in my bed after my vision went black. That means... I must have fainted on him. 

I can't even focus on my dream anymore, and I leave it behind and try my best to will my mind to wake up. I can still feel Roman's presence surrounding me, bringing me peace. Roman, my precious Princey. Princey; the man who I secretly love. The man who now knows my darkest secret...

...

I wake up to the sound of my blood rushing through my ears and immediately know something's wrong. Not even realizing there's someone on my bed beside me, I run to the bathroom and hurl and hurl until I have nothing left to give. As my knuckles turn white as they grip the cold sink, I regret eating that bread yesterday. I must still be having the effects of my anorexia. 

Stupid

What was I thinking? I'm never going to live a normal life; I never will not be a burden to Thomas. I'm never not going to have anxiety attacks, and I'm never going to eat normally. That's because I'm anxiety, and that's all I ever will be. 

Worthless

The razor pierces my skin on my wrist before I realize I've even picked it up. The pain does it's best to replace my loathsome feelings, but I know I'll never be free. So I keep cutting, etching new marks onto my skin in the now familiar way I know is effective. It does the job, as I know it would. My vision is getting foggy, but I'm able to make out the bloody word that now adorns the gaping mess that is my arm. "Burden," the first 'name' Roman ever called me. Even though it's been years, the word still hurts me as if it was the first time it'd been spoken. Burden. I laugh, a mocking tone that pierces the quietness abruptly. 

Failure

As my laugh leaves my throat, my consciousness returns fully to my body, jolting me to my feet. What have I done? Blood drips down my hand, staining the white tiles beneath my feet. "You really are a failure. You've started again, and now you'll never be able to stop..." A familiar voice enters my head. The voice of depression. I've woken him with my foolishness. Again. And he's right. Without help, I'll never be able to get him out of my mind; and there is no one to help me.

Last time it took all my strength, but now he's stronger. This was the reason I tried to start again, lead a better life. "You can't escape me," depressions voice is clear now, as if he'd never been gone. Then it happens. A feel a hand on my shoulder, jolting me out of my thoughts, temporarily making depression leave my conscious mind. Maybe he's decided to show himself to me. I turn my head almost against my will, needing to meet the eyes of the person next to me.

And it's not depression who I see, it's Roman.

Thanks so so so much to anyone reading 💜