Sitting up in your bed, you stared at the window, not sure of how to react to seeing Spider-Man's masked face through the glass. Throwing back your covers, you quietly walked over to the window, grabbing a hoodie that Peter had lent you as you passed your desk. Sliding the glass panel up, you climbed out onto the metal fire escape, slipping on and zipping up Peter's hoodie to protect you from the cold.
The superhero stood where he had first stood, the night he saved your life and blew up Vizzini's all those months ago. And there, to his right, were the flower pots that he had tripped over the first time he came back for you. Those stairs were where you would sit and draw while he watched your fingers fly across the page, amazed at the pictures you created. Behind him was the railing that you would lean against as you looked at the Queens skyline together. This fire escape was your entire relationship condensed, the one location where you were allowed to be with each other. If you used your imagination, you could almost see every single night playing out in front of your eyes. Spider-Man, with a bendy straw underneath his mask. Spider-Man, attempting to draw you in the moonlight. Spider-Man, his hand on your waist and the other in your hair. Spider-Man.
A sound from the masked hero pulled you out of your reverie. For the first time that night, you looked at him, actually looked at him, instead of picturing what you had already seen. His shoulders were slumped, almost shaking. His hands fidgeted, fingers twisting and untwisting in front of him as he stared at you. You could hear his heavy breathing, hear the shakiness of each gasp; you could hear his pain.
"Spidey..." You take a small step forward. You were sure that there were boundaries between you two now, but you weren't sure where they lay. "What's...what's wrong?"
"Everything...everything is wrong right now," Spider-Man took a deep breath and shifted his weight from foot to foot. "I shouldn't-I know that I shouldn't have come here, but I-"
"But what?" Your brow furrowed, but you remained frozen in your spot. "What is it?"
"I-" Spider-Man deflated, breath rushing out of him as he hung his head and stared at the ground. "I can't tell you, Y/N. I'm sorry."
"You're sorry." You deadpanned his words back to him, irritation rising in your words like bile. "You're sorry?"
"I just-"
"No, you don't get to 'just' anything," You crossed your arms. "I have been there for you! I have been nothing but honest with you from day one and you couldn't return that to me. And I understand your reasoning, and even if I don't agree with it, I still understand it. But you need to understand this, Spider-Man-"
"Y/N-"
"Can you just shut the fuck up for one minute?" You ran your hands through your hair, pushing it out of your face. As your words became stormier, so did the sky around you, and the wind whipped your hair right back into your eyes. "You need to understand that you can't pick and choose to be with me when it's convenient for you. You can't expect me to be here for you when you need someone to touch you, but then shut up when I try to actually know you."
It was hard to tell underneath the mask, but it looked like Spider-Man's jaw had locked. Words continued bubbling to the surface of your lips, and you knew that you weren't being the kindest with those words, but at the same time, you couldn't make yourself stop from speaking them.
Once realized, truth demands to be told.
"I was honest with you. I told you what I wanted, and when I couldn't have it, I compromised. And when that compromise stopped working for me, I was honest again." You pulled Peter's hoodie tighter against you. "So you don't get to show up here again and not extend me the same courtesy, okay? Either you're completely honest with me in what you have to say or-or you leave. Right now."
No matter how true the words were, they still hurt you to say. Not for the first time, you wished that you had never let yourself fall into this position. If you had just let Spider-Man go that first night, if you never gave him the drawing of the skyline, if you had let your life continue on its regular path, you could just be out here alone. The stars had always kept you company before, and they could've continued to be all you needed, if you hadn't let yourself be distracted by the hero. The stars are pretty to look at, but they couldn't hold you like he did. The stars couldn't sound so sweet when they spoke. The stars couldn't bring you to the edge of everything you ever wanted.
"It's not that easy." Spider-Man shook his head, speaking in a low voice. "You-you don't have to consider what I have to consider. Every moment I spend with you, with anyone that means something to me, is another moment that puts you and them at risk. And I-I love you too much to do that to you."
"Yet here you are, on my fire escape, putting me at risk." You gestured to your surroundings. "So either you're incredibly selfish and you're okay with putting me at risk just to fuck with my emotions, or you're lying and that's your excuse to keep me in the dark."
"You know what, Y/N? I am selfish." Spider-Man's voice cracked, and he cleared his throat. "I've been selfish since the first day I met you, but my selfishness is the most honest thing about me. I should never have let myself get so close to you, but I did. And it was careless of me, but being around you made me feel honest. If there was any way for this to work in a way that doesn't end with you being targeted, I would find it!"
"Do you really expect me to believe-?"
"Yes, I do!" Spider-Man cut you off in anger. "How could you have spent months with me and not believe that I would do anything to be with you? Anything to protect you? The only problem is that I can't do both of those things at the same time!"
"We're going in circles." You shook your head, gaze dropping to the ground. "We had this conversation last night, Spider-Man. We-we finished this. You left, it was done; why are you back here?"
"I-" You could practically see Spider-Man's guards go up again. "I needed to talk to someone. And-and you were the only person I wanted to talk to. But...but I realize that this was a mistake now. I just..."
"Just what?" You took a step closer again, almost-but not quite-reaching a hand out to touch his arm. You felt like it was summer again, like you had never touched him before.
"I just needed to feel normal," Spider-Man slumped again. "I failed today and I needed to feel like I didn't and when I think of normal I think of you. But it was stupid to come. I failed at keeping my family out of danger so what do I do? Show up and put you in danger."
"What do you mean, you failed at keeping your family out of danger?" Your brain was tired, so tired from the emotions you had experienced in the last twenty-four hours, but you felt like there was something familiar in Spider-Man's words (although, to be fair, you always felt that way with him. He was the unattainable stars in the sky and the comforting sense of home at the same time).
"I should have been there today, at the car accident downtown." Spider-Man's shoulders began to shake harder, like he was losing all composure. "People died, the people of my city, and they're my responsibility to keep safe, Y/N. And-and there were people I cared about there today, and it's my fault that they-that they were-"
"Spidey, you can't be everywhere at once," You fiddled with the too-long sleeves of Peter's hoodie. "People die every day. You can't take everything to heart like this."
"What if it had been your family down there?" You could hear Spider-Man becoming more hysterical as he talked, his breathing increasing in speed. "Your mom? Would you really be so forgiving with me right now?"
"I'm sure-"
"You're sure what? That you would be fine if your loved ones had been murdered today?" Spider-Man pressed a hand to his masked forehead, chest heaving. "I'm the only one who can stop it, Y/N, it's my responsibility-"
"You can't take responsibility for every bad thing that happens." You took a step closer to the hero, cautiously placing a hand on his shoulder for comfort. "You can't save everyone. You may be a superhero, but you're still a teenager. Today, downtown? That wasn't your fault."
"What about when it is my fault?" You could hear panic rising in Spider-Man's voice, and could hear him getting choked up. You realized that, underneath the hero mask, the boy was crying. "There have been so many times, Y/N, where it was my fault! I wasn't strong enough or wasn't fast enough or wasn't aware enough, I just wasn't enough!" Spider-Man inhaled deeply, like he was having trouble getting air into his lungs. "You deserve more, and my aunt deserves more, and my friends deserve more, and Queens deserves more, everyone deserved more than-than what I can do, and-"
"Spidey, you have to breathe," Screw being cautious, you thought, as you placed your hands on Spider-Man's masked face. "You can't panic right now, okay?"
"And I want to give you what you want, so, so badly," Spider-Man's hands came to rest on top of yours. "So badly, Y/N, I want to give you everything. But I-I can't be selfish; I know I am, but I can't be. When I get close to people they get hurt! And I can't watch you die, I just can't. I've seen so many people die, so many-"
"Spidey, you wouldn't watch me die, I can handle-" Before you could finish your sentence, Spider-Man twisted out of your grip. He clutched his chest and backed away, towards the edge of the fire escape.
"I watched my uncle die! He is dead, because of me!" Spider-Man screamed, unraveling before you. "People die because of me! They die because I can't save them, and one day, Y/N, one day I might not be able to save you! And, God, I can't fucking breathe in this thing, fuck-"
"Spider-Man-" You watched as the hero's legs buckled and he fell to his knees before you. You rushed over, grabbing onto his shoulders as you knelt in front of him.
"Spidey?" You gave him a light shake. You could feel the heat of his body radiating through his suit, almost burning your palms.
"Is this what you wanted?" Spider-Man kept his gaze trained on the ground. "Is this what you wanted to see? Because this is me, Y/N. This is who I am. I'm-I'm a mess, and I can't do anything that I need to do, I just let everyone down, and, fuck-" Spider-Man reached up and tore of his mask, tossing it to the side. Peter Parker's tear stained looked up at you. "Is this what you wanted?"
Your hands automatically released Spider-Man's-no, Peter's-shoulders in shock. You stared into the brown eyes of your friend. For the first time that night, you had no idea what to say, what to think, what to feel. All you could do was stare.
"Y/N," Peter's shaky, panic filled voice called to you. "Y/N, I know you're disappointed it's me, but-but please say something."
You reached a hand out slowly, just like you had the night you first kissed the boy in front of you. It seemed obvious who he was now; you stared at those lips all day long, kissed them at night-how had you not knows?
Softly, your hand landed on Peter's cheek. You wiped away some of his tears with your thumb as the boy hiccupped, looking at you with uncertain eyes.
"Peter." You addressed the hero by his real name for the first time. Peter. Of course it was Peter. There was never anyone else that it could have been, no one else who could have made you feel everything you felt in that moment. Of course he was the stars. Of course he was home.
"Peter," You began again, softly but firmly. "Nothing about you will ever disappoint me."
Peter squeezed his eyes shut as more tears slipped out, and he bowed his head. He sniffed loudly as you leaned in, placing your forehead against his.
"Do you hear me?" You waited until the boy opened his eyes and returned your gaze. "You've never let me down, Peter, and you have never disappointed me. It makes me sad that you waited so long to tell me, and it makes me sad that you don't think you're good enough, but don't think, not even for one second, that I'm sad it's you. Because I'm not."
"I-" Peter took a shaky breath. "I was scared to tell you it was me. Because-because we never talked before, and I thought you would prefer Spider-Man over-over Peter Parker."
"You thought I would prefer someone who had to keep me a secret?" You pressed your forehead against Peter's a little harder, reinforcing your words. "You thought I would prefer someone who could never truly be honest with me? You and Spider-Man are the same person. I liked both of you, but-"
"But?" Peter questioned softly, his hand coming up to rest on your cheek.
"But I could only ever love one of you." You exhaled shakily. "And that's you, Peter. It could only ever be you."
You sat in silence for a moment, both of you cradling the other's face, neither wanting to let go. Where did you go from here?
"Y/N," Peter muttered softly, breaking into your thoughts. "Do you...do you trust me?"
A small smile played on your lips as you registered his words, and remembered the last time he had spoken them, the last time you had been this close. "Yes."
Peter tilted his head to the left, slowly closing what little distance was left between your lips.
You had kissed Peter many times before, but knowing it was Peter made it feel different. Now, when you came together, it didn't feel so much like falling as it did flying. There was no fear of hitting the ground and no worry about the aftermath; there was only soft and love and soaring and Peter. Always Peter.
Your hands moved from his face to his hair, tangling in his light and loose curls as you pulled back. Peter's grasp, in turn, travelled from your cheeks to your waist, pulling you closer and tighter than he ever had before.
You sat like that for what felt like hours, just holding each other. Occasionally, someone's hand would shift position, exploring a new area. Your right index finger traced the outline of Peter's lips as his hand rubbed down your back, trailing over your spine. A few minutes later, he repeated the action under your (his) hoodie, then repeated it again under your shirt. Your hands rubbed down Peter's arms, lips resting on his shoulder. Touch after touch, both of you explored each other's bodies, getting to know the terrain of the person in front of you.
The territory was old, but each touch felt new. You had felt Spider-Man before, but you had never felt Peter. Peter had never felt you. Despite the fact that he still wore the suit, every brush against you and every calculated movement felt different.
Before you knew it, the sun began to peak over the Queens skyline, tinting the horizon a shade lighter. You ran your hands through Peter's hair as you watched, mesmerized.
"I have something for you," Peter whispered, squeezing your waist one last time before letting go. He reached underneath one of his web shooters and withdrew a scrap of paper you hadn't noticed before. "You drew me a lot of things, but this one was always my favourite. I wanted you to know."
Peter handed you the paper, which you carefully unfolded and tried to smooth before your eyes focused on the drawing in the moonlight.
It was your original sketch of the Queens skyline, worn and smudged but definitely your drawing.
"Why-?"
"Flip it over," Peter instructed with a small smile, nervous blush colouring his cheeks.
You did as you were told, turning the sheet of paper over in your hands. Sketched on the back was your fire escape, with you asleep on the stairs and the skyline prominent in the distance. Your hair was down, wild around your face as you leaned against the stair railing, and it looked like Peter had drawn every single constellation in the sky above you.
"Michelle helped me," Peter's blush deepened as you stared at the drawing. "I mean, she didn't know it was for-to draw you sleeping, but-you had said, on that first night, that the drawing was like-like a way to remember the Italian place, Vizzini's. So this..."
Peter took a deep breath.
"This was my way to-to remember you. This was the night I realized I was falling in love with you."
You smiled softly and leaned in, kissing Peter's rouged cheek. "You don't need to remember me; I'm staying right here. Just me and you, this fire escape, and that skyline."
Peter grinned, pushing your hair back from your face. "Sounds good to me."
The boy leaned closer, pressing his lips softly to your face. First your forehead, then each closed eye, before moving to the tip of your nose. Gently, he kissed both corners of your mouth, left then right, before finally, finally, reaching your waiting lips.
Just you and him, this fire escape, that skyline, and everything in between.
