Eating Disorder Awareness

Healing

Hello guys, it's been a while aye.. So i was thinking about my topic now rather di write it in english or in my language. And i think it would be better if all of yous can read this, because why not?

First of all, i want to thank you guys for reading my short true story. I feel so grateful i can share this to you guys and it opens my eyes that even wider, that i'm not alone (AT ALL!). It makes me realize that still many of us, girls or even boys, have been struggling with this kind of illness.

As you guys know that eating disorder is not the illness that people can truly understand. How people think it should be easy to heal and it is not even the illness. But for you who still think that this is not even something serious, sorry, but screw you!

Okay, so i chose this topic after i asked you guys to choose 'costing' that would explain about how much did i spend if i follow my ED thoughts and doing binging and purging. OR 'Healing' that would tell you about how I've been doing and how i keep the positivity in my mind. And Healing is the highest percentage. But maybe someday i will still write about the cost.

So actually, I have this ED for approximately almost or maybe 5 years already. I know i told you guys that I've tried to stop about 2 years ago. Yeah i stopped being a bulimic for a year and a half, but actually i was doing binge without even realizing it. And I can't even count for how many times i was feeling so tired of being myself, I can't count how many times i let all those bad thoughts embraced myself. It was so horrible and hurting me inside. And what hurts the most when i couldn't tell anyone that actually I'm not okay, I'm totally not okay inside. I was getting used to feel happy in front of everyone, but honestly I didn't enjoy the moments that you guys probably thought that i enjoyed it. I was feeling like I have the big empty room in my body, like something missing. Until i really couldn't hold it, and that was the day when i wrote the first part of my story. That time i didn't even care if any of you would make fun about it or none of you would read it because they wouldn't care. But, i got many many many supports, lovely messages, prayers.

After all the supports that i got, it makes me thinking twice to keep doing what i did, which is wrong. I was doing research about how to stop being a bulimic and anorexic. So, in here i want to tell you guys how to stop having Eating Disorder. But first, i want to tell you guys i'm still struggling with ED, I'm not recovered yet, and i know maybe it is still too early to write this kind of topic. But I just want to share this, and because i feel like i need to write this. To start, you have to be ready, because if you are ready, if you wanted to be recovered, it means you just make the first step to build the happy you.. Because i know that is not easy to have the bad thoughts every single minutes of our body images. It hurts to see ourselves in the mirror and we hate it so much like hell. I know that all we want is be grateful of what we have as ourselves. I know how it hurts when we feel like we can't wear any good clothes, only hoodies to cover all the part of our bodies. And i know how sad it is because only us that feel that way and no one knows that we are struggling inside. That's why you need to be ready to be changed.

Second step, embraced yourself, try to learn about your body and your feeling. For some of yous who runs into foods to decrease the stress level, such as chocolate, i researched that overeating chocolate means you need some love, or any other comfort food, that describes that you need something that could comfort you. And don't be ashamed just because you need some love, love doesn't mean that you need boyfriend or girlfriend. It means you need people around you to be there with you, understand about how you feel. That would bring you to the 3rd step, which means you need to be opened to whom that is you think reliable. Someone that you think would listen to you and encourage you. I know it's so hard to share our feelings, because we still have so many people close their ears and hearts, or even they would just say that we're too weak. But what's wrong for being vulnerable? Doesn't it mean we are still humans who have feelings? And if you already told them but they gave you bad response, that's okay, it means they are not the one who you can keep in your life, and try to find another one, your parents, your siblings, or even a psychiatrist. But, it doesn't mean that you are crazy. For me personally, i still want to try to heal myself with my own way. I know i have to seek for help, but i think i would try to find the psychiatrist after 2 years if i still couldn't do it myself.

I remember i tried to explain about my condition to my mom and she couldn't really understand why i did it. But i didn't give it up, i keep telling what i feel even until now. And also after i wrote some parts of my story, she started understand it, even my friends, my cousins. it doesn't mean that would be easy, even i was ever in position of regretting what i wrote, the bad thoughts were coming and telling me that i should've kept it myself and don't let anyone know about myself, even it told me how weak i am. But i tried to not to listen to those devil voices. Then I start to change my diet, diet doesn't mean that you have to eat something that would make me losing weight, it's about how we eat, how we manage what we can consume and when. It's about what you give to your body. I still try to learn to give something good to myself, i still how to eat just because i want to eat, and stop just because i think it's enough for me. I try to drink a glass of water or think that the food that I'm going to eat is good for my body, before i got the first bite.

And it is also hard, because when i tried to eat peacefully, i keep thinking about how many calories that i put in my belly and how to burn it before the end of the day. It's hard when i start feeling happy because i got my energy back but once i see my body in the mirror i feel like i shouldn't start it, shouldn't start my recovery, it keeps telling me that would be much better if i let them control me. It brings me some moments when i was trying to heal myself 2 years ago, when actually i just ruined it. It keeps telling me it would be better if i looked like as skinny as i could be.

But i keep trying to not to listen to it. Even until now i'm still struggling and keep trying as best as i can. And it has been 5 days i haven't done binging or purging. Because i normally do it nearly every single day. I'll try to listen what my body actually wants.

So for you guys who's struggling and keep thinking bad about your body image. I'm here to tell you that you are good enough, don't hurt yourself, don't starve yourself just because some stupid silly thingies that is not even worthy. Trust me it is not worth it, i lost 3/4 of my canine tooth just because the acidity (that i got from purging) broke it. My adrenal and hormonal levels are off. I felt so weak all the time. Even it keeps telling me that i'm not worthy. And all i can do is proving myself that is wrong. I also keep telling myself how much my parents love me, how many supports that i got from people around me, and how many friends that got my back. Despite all those people that hurt me in the past, i have more people who love me here.

And Recovery doesn't mean that we are trying to not feel what it hurts, but it means that you want to accept it as the part of your life story, it means that you are ready to feel how it hurts and learn how to control it, not letting them control how you feel.

And the last step is, start to learn to be grateful. I know it is so easy to say but not to feel, i know it annoys you when people said that you just need to be more grateful, because i know that you also think that 'if being grateful could take away all the pain that easy, who doesn't want it though'. But yeah, and letting things that you can't handle go away. We can't control all the thing in this life, that is why we need God, let him taking care of ourselves. Because we are humans, guys.. We're truly nothing without HIM. And we are not HIM, so try to not worrying something that you can't handle, stop trying making all people around you feel happy and breaking yourself without even realizing it. Enjoy the moments you have, enjoy being yourself, being kind doesn't mean you have to be kind all the time to all people, some people don't even need any kindness. Just do what we can do. Just be you in every places. Fill yourself with your own self. I know it is the hardest, but do not let any bad influences come to your mind and do not let it embrace yourself. Do not care about what people say about you, if you can't fit in, then why? Just keep moving. Just bring your truly self everywhere.

I know it is so long, i just really hope you guys didn't get bored reading my story. I feel so happy i have a chance to write this. I will write again someday, and i really hope i can write something better about my story, i hope i can bring happy news to tell, and encourage you guys more and more to be our truly selves. And happy holiday to all of yous! Hope you'll have the great one! God bless you guys! I love you!