messages//lams ✔️

chapter 30//tying up loose ends

James Madison did not seem thrilled that I was in his dorm. Nonetheless, he still begrudgingly exited, leaving Thomas and I alone with only our feelings.

He was just as nervous as he has been with me these past two months. I just prayed we had been wrong about all our conclusions.

"Did you need something, Alex?"

I didn't realize I hadn't said a word since I sat down next to him. There was absolutely no way I could sugar coat this. At least I couldn't think of a way to do that.

"Alex?"

Leave, just leave. Don't make things awkward and leave.

"I-I needed to confront you about something..."

He looked surprised, as if I had just revealed his secret identity.

"Go on.."

"Please answer this question honestly: do you like me?"

"Of course I like you, Alex, you're one of my closest friends!"

"No, I mean more than a friend. Like do you have a crush on me?"

He did not look me directly in the eye when he responded.

"I-I'm not sure..."

Not sure? Not sure? How can you not be sure? Does he know how much courage I had to muster to even confront him on this?

"It's fine, you can talk to me."

He shook his head and kept his face low.

"No, you have a boyfriend that you're too in love with. I can't get in the middle of that. I'm already hurting Jemmy as it is.."

It seemed as though he still was in love with James, but was debating whether or not he had feelings for me too. At least he knew that I couldn't part with John.

"I'm guessing you still like Madison?"

He muttered something incoherent to himself. The obviously mental anguish pained me, knowing I was somewhat the cause of it. Despite our many disagreements, we weren't enemies, rather close friends. We could say anything to each other without it being weird.

How could I just now realize how much he means to me? I never realized I had confided so much in him over the past two years it just came easy to me. God, I'm so stupid.

Maybe it was those thoughts that allowed me to tenderly lock lips with Thomas Jefferson. Maybe it was slight pity that made me continue that kiss. I knew it was wrong, but something inside told me that I owed this to him.

He deepened said kiss, but the moment the thought of John Laurens crept into my mind, I had pushed him away.

"I-I'm so sorry," he mumbled.

I looked into his chocolate eyes. They were filled with remorse.

"Don't be. I didn't say no."

No matter what I said to convince him that it wasn't his fault, he didn't believe me.

"The worst part was I didn't feel anything, Alex. It wasn't like my first kiss with Jemmy. No fireworks, no revelations. You're just Hamilton. Oh my god..."

"I'm just Hamilton?"

"No! Well, yes, but you know what that means?"

"Doesn't matter, you'll tell me anyway," I remarked.

He scoffed.

"Obviously, but it means I don't have any real hardcore feelings for you. It means I just made up some silly crush because I kept thinking about your pretty face, because that's all you are to me!"

"Hey!" I defended.

I mean I was sitting right there and he was going on about these things straight to my face.

"Not like that. Of course you're still a friend to me, but that's it. It means I don't like you."

"You got that from a twenty second kiss?"

"Maybe it's just a gut feeling, but that kiss didn't make me feel giddy.. just guilty. It wasn't how it was supposed to be, like it was.."

Oblivious to the fact I was still in the room, he continued to ramble on about how amazing his boyfriend was. Even when I tried to insert my opinion, he talked louder over me. I was so confused as to how he was this helplessly in love with James Madison, yet still thought about having some sort of romantic feelings for me.

Unfortunately for him, Madison was clearly upset with him. Jefferson seemed to realize this too, promptly putting in his two cents about it.

"But Jemmy's mad at me. I can't act like nothing happened, because something obviously did."

"You have to try and sort things out with him. I mean you can't let a relationship like your go to waste."

"I need to find him!" he announced.

He leaped off of the bed and jogged out the door. I only heard a faint "thanks Hamilton" but it was enough for me.

//\\

I never told John about the kiss that night. It didn't seem important when he asked where I was. I only responded "with a friend" and he was satisfied with that answer.

Contrary to was Herc said, we kept the PDA to a minimum, or so we thought. It was only after we received multiple complaints from Peggy, Maria, and Burr that we were awful with it.

Before we knew it, summer was rolling around. The perfect temperature of spring soon became the fiery pits of summer hell.

That summer would be a hot one, and after I received an invitation to join John in South Carolina for the duration of the break, I wasn't just talking about temperature.

I could understand why John had suffered in South Carolina, however. He never told me his family was religious, so I felt out of place each week went we were shipped off to Church. John and I weren't even allowed to hold hands either.

South Carolina is so unfair.

Lafayette called me once a week to make sure John was treating me alright. I did the same for them, requesting to speak with Herc for at least two minutes each call.

I also told Lafayette everything about our relationship. They were horrified to find out they had indeed texted their own brother to, and I quote, "grind on my face". His shock turned to anger when I told him his request was fulfilled. I kinda regretted that part.

As for Madison and Jefferson: they broke up. Though, only to be caught holding hands on move-in day.

I never figured out exactly how Jefferson felt about me, just happy to know he had sorted everything out, and I was not becoming a home wrecker.

Thanks to Peggy, we also discovered the real reason John and I met. I faintly remembered the day when some Adrienne girl told me how to supposedly reach "Thomas Paine", my American History project partner, but in reality, Peggy had given her John's number on purpose.

Was John a little mad that Peggy had meddled in his love life? Of course. He calmed down after realizing that it led to me and everything.

Everything.

I couldn't believe everything started with a supposed wrong number.

//an: oOf a cute guy gave me his number earlier and i'm screeching
-meghan