A Bangladeshi Teenager

Author's Note

Dear Readers,

Thanks to you all for being with me all these time. It's been about 10 months since i updated a new chapter.

A lot of things are going on actually in my life.Or should i say i don't know what is going on and i am numb!

At this point of life i am in a situation where my whole world is falling apart from all aspects of life but i am waking up every morning and doing my regular works. But nowhere i can find any peace. I have forgotten what i was writing, i don't know what to do with my life and how to sort things out that i messed up all by myself. Piles of works are waiting for me and expectations of everyone is saying Hi.

Only i know how i am keeping myself from killing myself. Everything feels so suffocating. I used to cut. But i thought to myself that why harming myself when i don't feel good anyway? So to keep myself from cutting i take sleeping pills and i sleep for hours and hours.  My past haunts me like hell. people who care about me say to me that things are gonna be fine eventually one day. I don't understand when it will get better ?

I am suffering from depression from last 5 years. My parents say i over think. Okay. I do over think. But it isn't like i can stop myself from thinking. Once depression used to help me to write. But now the voice in my head says I am useless. I have forgotten how to be happy.

There is no particular reason for depression. Everything is going so good in my life. Some kids may dream to have a life like mine.

Just like little things make big changes, little things i witnessed and experienced so far from my childhood has dragged me into a big dark place where i am caged. I am caged in my own mind. Surely certain things make me happy but i feel scared to feel happy. I feel like a bad luck to everyone and slowly i am becoming a toxic person.

The feeling of hating thyself is horrible. You feel like two different voices are fighting in your head. One says THE WORLD IS CRUEL and another says YOU ARE CRUEL.

I know nothing makes sense. My feelings make no sense. But i do feel this way. So, all i do is sleep. My escape.

I am sorry i have been so irregular updating.
And thanks for still being with my story.

Adrija.