To Be Loved

Chapter Nineteen

Mali pero parang tama. Pakiramdam ko ay ito lang ang nag-iisang tama sa buhay ko ngayon.

It felt right to finally surrender myself to him. It felt right to hug him. It feels right to be held by him like he doesn't want to let go, and right now, I don't want him to. It felt right... and yet I know it's wrong.

Minsan may nararamdaman talaga ang puso natin na alam mismo ng utak natin na mali. The heart doesn't see reason. The heart doesn't see right or wrong. The heart simply beats. That's it. The heart beats and the brain complicates.

"Shh... Stop crying, baby," malungkot ang boses ni Xavi nang subukan akong amuhin. Mas hinigpitan niya ang yakap, na parang mapapatahan niya ako kapag ginawa niya 'yon.

"I'm s-sorry," nasinok pa ako sa kalagitnaan ng pagsalita.

"Just stop crying, please," he weakly pleaded.

Pinilit ko na pigilan ang paglabas ng bawat hikbi. Seeing me hurt must be causing him pain, too. Alam ko dahil pareho lang ang nararamdaman ko tuwing nasasaktan ko s'ya. I can't inflict pain on him without hurting myself.

Nang makalma ang sarili ay itinulak ko ang sarili palayo. Hindi niya ako hinayaang makawala. Binigyan lang niya ako nang kaunting puwang para makita siya nang maayos. My head was slightly tipped back to properly look at him because of our height difference.

"Hindi ka ba natatakot?" mahinang tanong ko rito. Bakas pa ang pag-iyak sa nanginginig na boses ko.

He shook his head. His tired eyes never left mine as he lifted his hand and cupped my cheek, brushing it gently with his thumb. "I'm only scared of losing you, Lavie."

Xavi decided that we both should get some rest for tonight. We walked back to our rooms with a safe distance between us. I pulled my hand away from his once we were out of the safety of the darkness and solitude. We can't be seen holding hands by other people.

Kahit na hindi kakilala personal ay natatakot pa rin ako sa posibilidad na mahuli kaming dalawa. There's only one way to do this if I want to choose the path with less damage.

I unlocked the door but didn't enter, turning my head to him instead. Seryoso ang mga mata niya habang nakatingin sa akin. Mukhang wala pa siyang planong magpaalam.

"You can go to your room now," sabi ko nang hindi siya nagsalita.

"I'll tuck you in your bed first," he replied. It wasn't a question. Gagawin niya.

Nag-init ang pisngi ko. Kita kaya na namumula ito? Base sa seryosong ekspresyon sa mukha ni Xavi, mukhang hindi naman.

"Y-You don't have to."

He heavily sighed and held my hand that was still on the door knob. Pinihit niya ito at itinulak pabukas. Ang isang kamay niya ay humawak sa bewang ko para itulak din ako papasok.

The room was cold and the lights were all off. Tanging ang lamp lang sa gilid na binuksan ko kanina ang nagbibigay ilaw.

Xavi closed the door behind us and boldly held my hand. I looked at our clasped hand. I didn't know how to react but my heart does. It automatically quickened.

Hila-hila ako ni Xavi palapit sa bakanteng kama. Hindi siya gumagawa ng kahit anong ingay. Naging maingat din ako sa paglalakad. Laurene and Hyon's sleeping. I don't wanna wake them up and risk making them question Xavi's presence in our room.

Binitawan ni Xavi ang kamay ko para ibaba ang manipis na duvet sa ibabaw nito. He sidestepped to make way for me.

"Lie down," he ordered.

I pursed my lips to hide my smile and followed what he wants me to do. Nang makahiga sa kama ay inangat niya ang duvet hanggang sa ibabaw ng dibdib ko.