To Be Loved

Chapter Twenty-Four

"I'm pregnant," Mom announced.

Napatigil ako sa pagkain. Dashiel was frozen, too. His lips were parted in surprise. On the other hand, my father was composed. He must have already known about it, dahil nung buntis si Mommy kay Dashiel ay nasaksihan ko ang excitement ni Daddy nang sabihin ito ni Mommy sa kanya.

"Really, Mom? Ilang weeks na po?" masayang tanong ko.

"Almost a month," nakangiting sabi ni Mommy. Her eyes were filled with delight and she was glowing. It shows.

"I'm so excited! May bago tayong baby sa bahay," I laughingly said.

I like kids. They are so innocent and too precious for this world. The way they laugh and smile are cute and very infectious. Kapag ngumingiti sila ay parang nakakawala na agad ng pagod.

It was quarter past nine when Xavi called. We sometimes talk at night. Hanggang sa antukin kami pareho. Madalas ay ako ang unang nagpapaalam na matulog. There were times when Xavi sounded sleepy and tired, tinatanggi niya 'yon kaya ako ang nagpapaanggap na inaantok.

I love our late night talks. Kahit na palagi kaming magkasama, pakiramdam ko ay hindi pa rin kami mauubusan ng pag-uusapan. I tell Xavi everything. After all, he's my best friend.

Minsan hindi ko mapigilan isipin kung darating ba ang panahon na wala na kaming masabi sa isa't isa. When the texts will start to become obligatory and short. Just imagining Xavi suddenly acting cold sends a throbbing ache in my heart.

Kapag naiisip ko ang posibleng dulo naming dalawa ay binabalot ako ng matinding takot. I'm terrified of what could happen. Hindi ko alam kung qmakakayanan ko ba kapag dumating ang araw na matapos kaming dalawa at mawala sa akin si Xavi. At kung mahahayaan ko bang mangyari 'yon.

I love him too much. Habang tumatagal ay mas lalo pa akong nahuhulog na pakiramdam ko ay hindi ko na magagawang umahon. And that scares me, too. Natatakot ako sa lalim ng nararamdaman ko sa kanya. I'm scared of what this love can make me do. That's why I try my best not to think about it too much.

I told Xavi about my mother's pregnancy news. Nagkwento naman siya tungkol sa training. Kung saan-saan napupunta palagi ang pag-uusap namin. Kapag nauubos ang kwento sa nangyari sa amin ngayong araw, we talk about the most random things. I love every bit of it.

"Have you figured out where our first date will be?" Xavi asked. I could hear the playfulness in his voice.

Napangiti ako. Nag-iba ako ng pwesto sa pagkakahiga at niyakap nang mas mahigpit ang unan.

"No." Ngumuso ako. "Saan pa ba ang lugar na malamig? Sa walk-in freezer?"

"You and your smart mouth." I can imagine Xavi shaking his head. I softly laughed. "Hm... Are you sleepy?"

It's like hearing the word sleepy triggered my exhaustion. Bumigat ang mga mata ko.

"A little," sagot ko.

"Hmm... Alright. Let's sleep."

"Okay."

"I love you," he hoarsely said.

Napapikit ako. My chest tightened. Hearing those three words from him always makes me melt.

"Goodnight, baby," he gently added, not bothering to wait for me to say the three words back.

Hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin nasasabi sa kanya 'yon pabalik. He never demanded the words from me. He never asked and pushed. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba nararamdaman naman niya na mahal ko siya, kontento na siya sa kung anong meron sa aming dalawa, o dahil natatakot siyang tumanggi ako at sabihin na hindi ko siya mahal.